this blog is raw. its happy. its difficult. its both. its my life.
the life of a girl who just loves Jesus…
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4/25: Today I got to sleep in until 8:30, wahoo. I spent the morning finishing build a concrete wall with Tara and now I just got done playing badminton with Phillip (my fishin buddy) and some of the girls. who would of thought badminton would be so much fun at this age. tonight we had fried rice AND sticky rice with mangos for Amanda’s birthday treat. I could eat sticky rice and mangos for the rest of my life- delicious.
I’m going to miss this.
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the past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. when i left for the race, i honestly didn’t think i would make it the whole 11 months. it was a huge sacrifice for me personally to begin with to leave home and the life i had behind. throughout the race there have still been days where i just want to give up. but i haven’t, God has pulled me though. now that i am done with month 10 I have felt satan attack me more than ever. why is it right when you feel God so close, within 10 minutes satan steals your joy? boo.
but then the littlest girl here, Quan, came up to me and just started to sing the alphabet to me. As I held her I felt God saying “it is okay my child, just embrace me.” I joined her and thanked God for His immediate comfort :]
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4/20: we went to a temple today. for Budda. it is the biggest one in Northern Thailand. a first, I just walked around being artsy taking photos and enjoying it. then my eyes were opened. I began to see people after people bowing down to a statue. monks blessing children, even foreigners lighting candles and incense. Tara asked me to pray for these people with her because we know where two or more are gathered the presence of the Lord is present. We knew all we could do was pray that these people would come to know the Lord, that He would revel Himself to them. That they would all have a living encounter with God.
my heart broke. getting through life is a challenge even with Jesus, I can’t imagine going through it without Him. but then I also realized we (America) bow down to our own sins everyday. we bow down to materialism, to money, to our pride, to our own needs. BUT God’s heart beats for EVERYONE, for all nations and for every individual created in His image.
I left with hope.
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We left the market the other night in a songtail (their mode of transportation here). The whole way home we all sang songs we had learned in the Philippines. I was full of so much joy. no worries on my mind… not much longer and I won’t be able to do this. these memories will only be able to be told as I go back home to those who haven’t been with me all year.
I’m going to miss this.
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Gaddy and I were talking the other day about how it would be awesome if Jesus could just appear a times and we could hang it with Him, you know like “Hey Jesus, sup?” we were asking how come He doesn’t just do that? then I read John 20:24-31 and it had a whole new meaning to me.
After Jesus died, Thomas, one of His disciples says: “Unless I see the nail marks in His (Jesus) hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe it.”
Jesus comes and reveals Himself to Thomas and says: “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe… Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
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Getting to spend Easter with 40+ girls was so fun :] there were no Easter eggs, no bunny, no after church lunch with my family- but that is what i loved about it. it was only about Jesus. This month has been more than just touching the lives of the girls here. God has opened my eyes to the importance of more than just preventing these girls from having a life in the sex industry. It is about providing for them physically, but also providing for them spiritually. These girls get to grow up knowing God and isn’t that what is most important? 😀
I am truly going to miss these girls and the house parents and the other missionaries here so much. I have loved forming relationships based around God. I hope He brings me back soon to visit everyone. They have touched my life more than they know. I’m not ready to leave them. This month was all about God teaching me to listen for His voice and to obey. To wake up every morning and just let His spirit lead me. and to also learn to trust that He is always speaking to me, even when I think He is not.
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so what is next? onward to month 11!!! wow. that is crazy to say. Tonight, the 11 of us girls leave Chiang Mai for Bangkok. Our train arrives tomorrow morning where we meet up with the boys and then head by another train to Malaysia!! After about 50 hours on trains (im so over traveling btw) we will arrive in Penang where I will get to see one of my best friends from my church back home… Miss KATY GURLEY!!!!!!!! 😀
I am stoked!! I get a full day with her before she heads onto month 5 to India. Jesus knows how to cheer us up! be praying for her too as she moves onward in His name.
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with only 32 more days left on the race it is bittersweet to think about. I’m excited and scared. super sad to leave my friends here, the people I’ve depended on all year, but excited to see my old ones. ready for a change, but not. going home won’t be exactly going home. most of the friends I have left have gotten married and moved to other states, ones on the race, ones in Spain, one I just found out is moving before I get home :[ and others are still at home but with new lives. it’s going to be hard. not living on my own again, not having a work schedule… this year has been truly amazing but also a huge challenge. and now I’m going home knowing it is going to be just as equally tough. God has brought me through so much and I’ve learned it’s not about stability. being a disciple doesn’t end when I hit American soil. being a disciple never ends. and when I feel I have nothing left to give, no more strength I have to remind myself the words of the Lord:
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah forty:twentynine-thrityone.
so here i am. filled with bittersweet emotions. tired but not lost. exhausted but ready for the new battle that awaits me.
this is just the life of a girl who just loves Jesus…
the life of a disciple.
