One night after the awakening in Ireland, we were asked to go talk to our coaches, who are basically like our on-the-field parents away from home. Dan had found me and asked me to come “meet his parents”, Tom and Cindy. I had never had the chance to meet Cindy before. After Tom prayed for Dan, Cindy took me in as her own and prayed for me. With not even really knowing me she prayed the most sincere prayer I had heard in a while. The thing I remember the most was she told me to have obedience in Romania. She asked God to help me stay obedient. And said I was a strong woman of God for my obedience. pretty simple. After processing the night I thought to my self, “that’s very sweet, but you could pray that about anyone on the race, really… we have all left our lives back home for 11 months. I’m no different, no more special than them.”
I have had A LOT of people actually, people from the race, from AIM, from Haiti and Romania all pray this over me. then I realized God was not only preparing me for the race, but for Romania. If there is any word for me to describe my past month it would be: obedience. dead on. crazy how God works, the little creative man He is.
the struggles I’ve faced here have been far greater than I thought they would be and only God is what has gotten me through this month. I have been exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep even though there was plenty of time for sleep. I felt weak. I felt lost and confused and all I knew to do was read my Bible.
but funny how God works, a couple of days ago I read in Exodus where God is telling Moses to go to Pharaoh to rescue his people and Moses says: “The LORD said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” I doubt Moses got a “spiritual high” from his obedience. Which was an expectation I had- the race would be this constant awesome spiritual high and it’s been the exact opposite for me. Which leaves me confused why has He not chosen that for me?
I now see I need to learn to feel worthy of Him even when I am struggling so much. I got an email from a sweet past co-worker and she reminded me that: “Your faith is not just emotional but intellectual, will-full. We choose Christ because we believe, not because we feel. So you worship and follow because you’ve made a decision that it’s the right thing to do, that it honors God, that God’s only heart language is love and obedience and submission, so your worship will be accepted just the same.” good stuff.
God is growing me in learning to put my value in Him and it’s painful. I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurts at times, but in this process I also know God will rescue me. how can I know I need Him, but yet not trust Him that He knows what’s best for me?? silly me. no matter how much pain change is- God has a purpose and right now I’m learning to not give up, to not stop believing this.
