Today (Monday the 20th) was our day off of ministry so Raul, our awesome contact, was generous enough to drive us to Bucharest- which is about a 2 hour drive away. For those of you who don’t know Bucharest is the capital of Romania, it is a HUGE city. what a difference from the little tiny town we are living in. it was really good to see civilization again, cars and a starbucks ha. but it was even more of a joy to get to know Raul better and hear his faith and thoughts on Jesus the whole car ride home. As he said in regards to driving home late: “[we] kept him awake talking and the Holy Spirit kept us awake.” lol. I will write more on this later.
but for right now it is 2AM. I should be catching my z’s- I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. My thoughts are all over the place. I normally write my blogs and post later but eh not this one.
to be completely honest right now I am confused with God. The race so far has been nothing like I thought it would be. Ministry-wise yes, but personally no. My walk with God has not been what “I had planned” ha. I tried to leave my expectations behind, but thats almost next to impossible. I hoped for and still hope for a pure, genuine, intimacy with my Father. He is answering my prayers like He always does- just at a slower pace than I want. As for feeling God and seeing Him move- this has been nothing like I imagined in a sense. I haven’t seen visions, I haven’t seen healing, I don’t feel Him talking to me like I thought I would being out on the mission field. I really struggle during worship here, which was never an issue at home. I miss our closeness when I sing. If fact, God still talks to me the same way He did at home- why did I think this would be better here? I have an open heart- I’m listening for God- I long for more of Him- so why hasn’t it changed??? It seems to have increased for everyone else. Satan has been throwing so many distractions and lies in my head since being on the race. And they are beyond thoughts I can declare over and just throw out of my head. the big punk takes away my memory, he tires me emotionally and physically, he blocks my path to hear God and the worst of all is he sneaky in all his ways… grrrrr. For example, the Lort has laid on my heart ever since leaving Haiti to be more bold in preaching His word. What I mean is- in the words I choose to use and when/who I choose to use them with. And yet ever since leaving Haiti when I go to explain scripture or even my heart for Jesus, I feel at lost for words or if I have words they are jumbled and make no sense- at least to me. This then leads to fear, fear when I’m asked to talk and even fear for Africa, where all you do apparently is preach.preach.preach. I know God will give me the words to say, but I feel lost in this department right now. and it is frustrating.
I don’t want to come off as ungrateful or not blessed. I know I am beyond blessed and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than the race right now. I have grown in many other ways I didn’t even think of before I left. As Raul would say: hallelujah! My hunger for the Lord has increased, my time in the good Word has been
awesome too. I have learned more about what my spiritual gifts are-
which was and still kinda is a challenge for me. I have become stronger in prayer- but again I am always growing in this department. I guess by month 3, I thought I would have grown more than I have so far. I thought I would have encountered God more.
with all this said I don’t even know my point. these are just my thoughts. I got an email from Dmoney today (he is doing amazing in Africa by the way, spreading lots of love on lotas kidos- thank you all for the prayers!! go read his blogs if you haven’t. they are worth your time. really. start here.)
In his email he said to me: “I can promise you are going thru this just as God has planned.”
my response: i burst into tears.
this tough spot I am in, this season God has me in is the EXACT one He has always had planned for me. so I stay faithful. I stand in confusion, but in obedience with my Father. as much as I am struggling right now with answers I wouldn’t want it any other way. I know the Lort has a reason and I must trust in Him. I have faith. I have hope. I have love. and until I conquer whatever it is God is wanting me to overcome I will stand in awe of Him, praising Him in all I do! why?
because this is what Christ did for us. and even more so.
