so where to even begin about this past week in Ireland at The Awakening. a blog is not even going to do it justice. I wrote this a couple of days ago:
since the second I arrived into Ireland I have not been able to talk to God or hear Him… just like at training camp. Every way possible to connect with Him has been blocked- worship, prayer, reading my Bible, even just trying to be still and listen for Him has not been possible. All the comfort I had in Haiti had just disappeared. this was exactly my biggest fear coming into this week. but God knew what He was doing.
After having a much needed melt down on Saturday night, I was able to talk to my squad leader Janina and my coach Selena (my race mom as I like to say)… both amazing women of God. For the first time in my life this week I was able to SPEAK out loud truth… truth that I’m not over my past. truth of feeling unloved by God. truth that I have put my identity in other parts of my life more than in God’s identity. truth of being dependent on others instead of God. truth of feeling a failure to our precious Father for falling back into routines that He had already rescued me from in my life.
I went into talking with Selena emotionally exhausted and was ready to do anything to release myself from all these burdens. We prayed and visualized God (I’m not going to go into detail here for personal reasons). but it was exactly what I needed.
Afterward, I’m walking back to the campsite, a good 15 min walk away and I can’t help but smile. For the first time in two weeks I felt God’s presence back in me. I literally felt warmth fill me up and a sense of joy in my heart. It was back! I could pray and not be distracted by my own thoughts. I just kept thanking God out loud. Thanking Him for redemption, thanking Him for my family and friends. I felt so alive. I felt released!! I actually could feel His forgiveness. I felt freedom like I have never felt before.
One of the speakers this week, Andrew, shared a story about a lady who went to her deacon telling him she could hear God speak to her about other people. So he asked her to go home and see what God told her about himself- specifically: what sins he had been asking God to forgive him for. So when she came back the next week, the deacon asked her what God had told her. The lady said: “He can’t remember!” ha.
God has already conquered death for us.
I came back and wanted to open my Bible again. I opened it straight to Isaiah 59. I have never opened to a passage more fit for what I need to hear.
“But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you so that you will not hear.”
I have never looked at the aftermath of sin in such a way, how much power it has over you. I kept reading… 9: “we look for light, but all is darkness; for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.”
I could acknowledge my iniquities and the countless deadly lies my heart had conceived all these years with joy finally because I was reminded this night that Christ is our redeemer!
Isaiah 60:17- “I will make PEACE your governor and RIGHTEOUSNESS your ruler… and your days of sorrow will END.”
YES Father!! You Lord will be my everlasting light! I have never truly believed this until now. sin and my past cannot rule me any longer. the pain of my previous decisions have no power over me. Only God and only His peace will rule. When we became new creations we inherited HIS righteousness, His Kingdom. We are His beloved children and He has already forgiven me, He has already died for my sins. When Jesus was on the cross, our sins were already FINISHED. wow. I thought I had truly understood this.
I had hate and frustration in me this week in a way I had never felt before, but I was able to truly let go of that tonight. I know He has more mountains for me to conquer but I have faith for the first time in my life that He never left my side, that He truly loves me for who I am and that I am worthy of His love. I have no idea where God wants me to go next, but just that I can hear Him again is such a blessing. Thank you Father!!!!!!!!!!
