Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.
This has been the theme of my race.
Last Friday I realized I didn’t have much to trust God for. I live in a safety net that I’ve built for myself. I trust in what I have done rather than what God will do. I’ve taken comfort in my ability to save money, prepare for the future, create a plan and reasonably follow through with it… That is my strength, but God’s been humbling me and revealing to me that it is also a weakness.
So, God changed my heart and told me to give up my safety. By God’s grace, I obeyed. I no longer have the means to stay on the World Race on my own. This whole time I’ve taken pride in my preparedness. I knew that if God didn’t come through, I would be able to—I could pick up the slack (which is a ridiculous thought.) Now I can’t. I don’t have another plan if God does not provide. It is no longer in my hands, but in his. And I’d be lying if I said I was completely at peace about it.
God’s been putting it on my heart to fast. It would be a way to hear from God more clearly, practice denying myself of what I’d like to do, and as my teammate Kyle put it, show my devotion by placing God higher than my physical needs. I prayed about it and felt led to fast during the daylight hours until Thanksgiving, starting Monday.
I made it through the first day, even had to cook for everyone (although I did forget briefly and sink my teeth into the end piece of the tomato I was cutting, and then I spit it out like the lady I am.) It wasn’t so bad. I wasn’t even that hungry for dinner, and I was only somewhat cranky.
The second day was physically a bit harder. My head and stomach hurt most of the day. I ate a little before sundown that day because some lovely girls from our ministry cooked for a few of my teammates and me.
The third day (this morning), I woke up exhausted, nauseous and emotional… even though it had only been a few hours since dinner. In my sleeping bag, I looked at my stagnant fundraising account, thought about being sent home and cried. I feel like I’m supposed to be here, but I know it is in God’s hands now. I’ve done what God told me to do. Whatever happens now is God’s will which is better than what I believe should happen.
After devotionals I took one look at the aromatic steam rising from someone’s coffee mug and gave in. I partook in my favorite meal, breakfast (get it? break-fast? …No? Ok.) I was disappointed that I couldn’t even make it past breakfast. I told God in my head, I really do love you more than food, I really do. Afterward, I didn’t feel like it was worth it. I was still emotional and my headache persisted. My sweet teammate Kristen got people to pray for me, which helped me very much. I washed my bowl and mug and walked to Sarah’s hammock which hangs between these two trees in the corner of the school’s property.
Sarah’s Hammock
As I sank into the hammock and let the sides of it form a cocoon around me, I wished I was still hungry. I thought of in the Bible when Paul admits that his spirit is willing, but his flesh is weak. I told God I was sorry I didn’t finish the fast. I also thought of in Philippians when he instructs the church to be anxious for nothing, but in everything give thanks. I finally understood that verse. My thankfulness should overshadow completely dominate over my worries of the future. God has already changed me so much, shown me so much, blessed me so much. How can I be upset if he chooses to send me home now? How can I doubt that everything will work together for his good and perfect will? God has proven to me that he won’t leave me, even when this trip is over, he will guide me. I also thought of Jesus telling his disciples that it’s not his time to leave. I feel like it’s not my time to leave the World Race. I began to feel bad for my lack of faith.
As these thoughts progressed, I looked up at the interlaced tree limbs above me. I thought about how they shaded me from the sun, and these words interrupted the thoughts in my mind:
I cover you,
I cover you like these branches.
Be at rest,
I cover you.
View from hammock.
God does not see my shortcomings. He sees Christ. He is still working on me, and he is a patient teacher. Meanwhile, I can be at peace because Christ’s perfect blood covers me.
Eherm…
So, speaking of shortcomings…
THANK YOU TO MY MANY, MANY SUPPORTERS! I am so blessed by you that you made these past three months possible.
I am only $522 away from reaching my next financial deadline. If you could pray for God’s will to be done in regards to me on the World Race, I would be thankful. The thought of leaving now is heavy for me.
The support link is on the left side of this page if you feel led to give. Or you can click here: https://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=worldrace&desc=For%20Stephanie%20Ransom
