It’s hard to believe it’s only been a week. It has been a loooooong week. Last Tuesday I had the call about not launching to India this week. I was speechless, I had no clue that was even a possibility just 10 days before Launch.
I have so many mixed feelings about this. It has been tough. I was very excited about this trip, about this squad, about my team. But, on the other side, I have seen community and felt loved and cared for beyond what I could imagine. I have felt as though I failed people and let people down big time, but then I have heard people’s reactions, reactions of fighting for and with me, reactions of sadness knowing how exciting this was, reactions of joy that I will be around still, reactions of compassion, reactions of care, and reactions of encouragement.
A few things that have stuck out to me from this past week include the respect of space as I process, the encouragement to go spend time alone with God somewhere (which I will be doing in the mountains in a couple of days), friendships ending which is actually okay because it just shows that they were only friends because of situations like going on the Race together, but then also friendships just beginning because the Race was only the start of our friendship and not the confides of our friendship, the question “how are you?” with room to answer exactly how I am feeling at that given moment, no matter what the answer is, the constant reminder that I am worth it and I have value, regardless of not going on the Race.
Something I was told years ago that has stuck with me and has continued to come to memory this week is that when we lose something, when God closes a door, when an opportunity is lost, it means that is what’s best for everyone…so not doing the Race in God’s plan is what’s best for my squad, my team, the people who will be ministered to this year, AIM, Alamo Stone Church, whatever place I work at next, my family, my friends, and ME. In that I was also told and have been reminded that when something is lost or a door shut, it means that God has something even better. Now, I may not know tomorrow, next week, or even next year why the Race wasn’t right and this next thing is better, and it may not look or feel better, but I trust whole-heartedly that the God of the Universe has a plan, and it is bigger and better than anything I can imagine.
This is such a great Truth, because God is in control. I think often when we have something we see, think, feel is really great and it falls through, we lose it, etc., it is hard to see how anything could be better. But a promise I have from the Father is that whatever is next IS better. God is not surprised I’m not doing the Race, He is not surprised that I don’t currently have a job, He is not surprised at any of the details of this, AND He is going to use all of these details to do something great in my life.
It would be easy to sit and sulk and ask all sorts of questions, to say but God I gave you my yes and you’re basically saying it’s not good enough, or nope I don’t want THAT yes…but really, I’m just going to keep giving Him my yes. Back in college I heard this awesome sermon about putting your yes on the table and letting God place it wherever He wants. Since then, I have made it my goal to do that. I put a lot of time and effort into the Race, but I also have and am learning great things because of it, even if I don’t ever get to finish it all the way through to the end.
My yes is still on the table, God is just placing it somewhere else. I don’t know where, I don’t know what the future holds past 5 days in the Davis Mountains where I am going to seek God and pray that He shows up and speaks to me in mighty ways. I do know and trust that whatever the future holds it will be good, no scratch that, it will be GREAT!
I am definitely still processing a lot, and hope that this time away with God will help in that processing, but if you have any questions, by all means feel free to reach out to me personally and I will do my best to share and answer what I do know.
