Write a blog by Sunday they said. It’s easy they said.
As I sit here post Training Camp, and still very much a high C on the DISC, and with a top strength of Responsibility I am struggling with what to write, but knowing that I’ve been challenged/asked to write a blog by today, and so write a blog I must.
Training Camp was full of all the feels: excitement, frustration, exhaustion, gratefulness, anger, encouragement, uncomfortableness, peace, discouragement, love, hope, desire, satisfaction, courage.
I could go on for days about Training Camp and everything we did, everything it was, everything I heard, everything I learned, but that’s not what I want to do right now, because honestly I haven’t even quite processed it all.
Instead I want to focus on sharing with you where my heart is. I’m sitting on the floor leaning up against my bed and my heart is heavy. My heart is heavy from the lies I have believed all my life. It’s heavy from the exhaustion of leaving Gainesville, GA yesterday around 930am, and not feeling able to settle in with all my gear at home in San Antonio, TX until about 430pm today. My heart is heavy and full from all of the information learned and thought through and being processed through from this week. It’s heavy thinking about all the injustice in this world, but ready to face it all this next year as we go where God calls.
But most of all, it’s heavy and full in a good way looking back at these past 11 days at all that the Lord did and is doing in my heart with my squad and my team. It’s heavy thinking about how much I actually miss being surrounded by 200+ people daily, and 50+ people hourly, and probably 2-8 people moment to moment. My heart is heavy and missing being pulled out and up from my introverted nature, to pursue relationship and vulnerability with safe people.
There were lots of sessions and speakers and topics and things discussed during this time at Training Camp and to be honest, not a whole ton of it was new information to me. There were not many new concepts. BUT, there were plenty of opportunities to grow in God and the Spirit and what He has for us. While I maybe didn’t walk out of sessions with some new profound knowledge, I was challenged in my current beliefs and thinking.
Three major areas in which I felt especially pushed are the areas of healing, rejection, and conversation with God. I’m still processing and don’t have much to say about either right this minute, but I want to let you in a little.
Healing
It was Monday evening, day 6, when we had a squad campout during which one thing planned for us was some time of worship and prayer. One squad mate suggested to do some healing prayer. So we laid hands on some of our squad mates and prayed and prayed for healing from various things, one of which was a difference in leg length. Nothing happened in terms of healing for the leg length difference that night.
Two night later, Wednesday night, we were in a session about the Holy Spirit and healing and the speaker asked who wanted to be prayed healing over, and so again some of our squad prayed for healing for this leg length difference. Y’all, this girl said her leg grew 3/4″ and all I could do all night was be in awe. I have never been to a church where that kind of healing prayer was done, nor have I ever heard of, seen, or known anyone to experience this. That night a total of like 6 of our 49 squad mates were healed. I am still very much processing this and looking for understanding and clarity, but also coming to the realization that at this point in time this may need to be one of those things I just trust God and watch and see how He works through healing throughout our trip. That was one of the weirdest and coolest nights.
Rejection
Secondly, rejection. One of my least favorite words. Rejection sucks y’all. We’ve all been rejected at some time or another in life, so I know we all know the feeling. I’m not sure why, well I kind of am when I’m honest about past wounding, where rejection becomes such a difficult and prevalent part of my story. I have learned that there are plenty of time I have felt rejected but it has just been a feeling, while there have been plenty of times I have just actually been rejected for who knows what reason. Let me just tell you that rejection makes it extra difficult to trust people. So going into this 11-day Training Camp knowing I had to trust these people who were going to become my family, it was slightly scary at first. Let me also note, that rejection comes in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t have to just be that you don’t talk to someone ever again. Sometimes it’s interrupting someone when they’re talking and giving the vibe that their words are not good enough or not important enough to be heard…that happened this week. Sometimes it’s turning up the car radio as someone is speaking, also giving the vibe that whatever they have to say is unimportant, or not as important as something else…that happened this week. Sometimes it’s giving a side eye, walking away, or smiling yet staring straight through someone when they ask you a question or talk to you…that also happened plenty this week. And when those things happen, when rejection presents itself its certainly easier to just take a back seat, not give any more opinion, not want to talk to anyone anymore, and so forth.
The day we got our teams we were asked to sign a covenant, everyone in the squad signed and gave their “yes” to each other as we walked down a line of each other hugging and saying yes. Yes, we will call each other higher and hold each responsible for actions and give feedback and love each other. After signing and prior to our teams being finalized as much as is the case one of our Training Leaders gave us a word about trusting each other no matter what and being willing to be rejected. God used that moment to really speak into my heart about His desire for me to really trust my squad and team, and to be ok with being rejected. That’s hard to swallow, be ok with being rejected, but I surely do want to try to live that out this coming year. As I process what that maybe looks like I hope to let you in.
Conversation with God
One thing that was new to me at Training Camp is this idea of getting words and visions from God. Not new in terms of it happens, but new in terms of I can receive these things, or I can ask for these things. I like to think I do a fairly decent job at pursuing God in the midst of decisions. When I changed jobs, when I decide to do the Race, when I decided to go to Dallas Theological Seminary, and so forth, I have always taken that decision to God to see what He has and wants. While I typically would say well I prayed about it and this is what God has, that usually is just me referring to either a door closing, leaving that choice as the option, or just feeling a sense of peace about a certain direction in a decision.
But what I learned and saw/heard from the trainers and staff was this idea and ability to ask God what to say next or what to pray for or how to answer a question and this immediate response from God with what He wants done. Example, we had an activity one night and afterwards we did some debrief with a panel and one trainer, Sam, was up to give final thoughts. She was like 4th out of 5 maybe and so maybe it had been 3-5 minutes since this “question” of giving final words and thoughts had been asked. The girl before her answered and Sam grabbed the mic and said something along the lines of “I was asking God what He wanted me to say and that was exactly what He said” referring to the prior answer. My mind was in such awe that she literally asked God and in a matter of a moment or two He gave her an answer, and what seemed to not be like a one-word answer.
I don’t think I can say that I can ask God for an answer or help in a decision and get a specific word from Him, but I certainly can’t or haven’t yet experienced asking Him and getting it as fast as I can snap my fingers. This was something that blew my mind, but in such an amazing way. I would LOVE to have that kind of relationship and conversation with God on a regular basis and really am hopeful that as I continue on this journey of the World Race I will learn how to have that too!
Maybe at some point in the future I’ll give you a more well-rounded synopsis of Training Camp, or maybe we just have to get coffee and talk about it face-to-face. For now, please be praying that God would just continue to penetrate my heart. That He would continue to invite me into, pull me into, drag me into the freedom He has to offer for me. That He would continue to nudge me to pursue excellence in my walk with Him. That I would be open and ok with being rejected. And especially that God would show me what my role on this race, my squad, my team is (more about that in another post).
