“The will of God will not take you where the grace of God can not protect you.”
At the beginning of this journey, my Cancer journey that is, I was certain that this was going to be something I didn’t let bring me down in anyway. I was going to face it with a smile, head on. But, as the weeks pass, the days become harder. Much, much harder.
At 24 years old, or any age for that matter, no one should have to know what it is like to have to pump poison into their veins to try & kill another poison, yet here I am & will be here for numerous months. As I completed round 3 of Chemotherapy this past Wednesday, I said goodbye to most of my hair the day before. My hair was becoming extremely thin & was shedding in numerous amounts. Each morning became a hard battle of fighting back tears while brushing my hair. So, instead of letting Cancer “beat” me at obstacle in this journey, I wanted to beat it. Last Tuesday, I sat in the chair of my stylist, holding my mom & my best friend’s hands while she shaved my hair off, leaving about an inch. That was undoubtedly the hardest decision I have had to make throughout this whole journey. Most of you know how that my hair was a HUGE part of me & with it being gone, I have lost a lot of confidence in myself. “It is just hair Steph, it will grow back.” No… it isn’t just hair. It was something that meant something to me & you never know how much it means until you no longer have the option to have it anymore. Shaving my hair, was a big realization of what is happening & will happen to me.
Over the past few weeks, I have taught myself how to maintain a poker face when being asked “How are you doing?” My answer is always “I am doing okay.” But, in reality; I am not, even though I have a magnificent support system behind me. I receive numerous encouraging texts & calls multiple times, everyday & I couldn’t be more grateful for each member of my “army,” as I like to call them; but I still have never felt more helpless in my entire life. I want so badly for this battle to end, & for me to get back to a “normal” life. But, will my life ever be normal again? Probably not. Cancer will always be apart of my life. I will have routine check ups to see if it will ever return for the majority of my life once I beat it & I may have fertility issues when it comes time to have children due to all the Chemotherapy. So, “Normal” isn’t in my vocabulary anymore. I find myself wide awake most nights, all night; just thinking/worrying. I play every possible scenario in my head. But, each scenario always leads back to Jesus & the cross. Jesus CHOSE the battle to fight & DIE on the cross for me. His life was never ever normal, all for me. That is what gives me strength, everyday. I may not have chose this battle for myself, but I was given it because God knows I am strong enough to live it & I know that his plan for me is far bigger than the one I have for myself. I don’t want my pain & my struggle to make me a victim. I want my battle to make me someone else’s hero & for it to be all for the kingdom’s glory. God will forever be good, through good times & in bad.
“God is within her, she will not fail.” -Psalms 46:5
