“Seek the Lord & his strength; seek his presence continually.”
-1 Chronicles 16:11
Most people can agree that I am a very outgoing & bubbly person. I am very open & will be the first person to speak to a stranger. I am definitely not shy, by any means. But, what most people don’t know, is that I do battle depression & have for several years now.
Growing up, I was always in church & accepted Christ at a young age. I never missed a Wednesday night youth group or a Sunday full of church activities. I was on fire for the Lord, living for & through him from the day I genuinely understood what it meant to be saved until February 9, 2009. A lot of you may wonder why 2/12/09 is a significant date for me & it is because my father, my best friend, my protector, my heart holder, my daddy was faced with a heart attack that he couldn’t beat. I can replay that day in my head like it happened yesterday. I can still feel the pain I felt that night when I was told I would never be able to see, hug, laugh with, cry with, or even talk to my daddy again. I quickly put up my defensive walls & blocked everyone out, including the Lord. Especially the Lord. I felt completely empty, defeated, & played by him. I didn’t touch my bible, I didn’t pray, I ignored every phone call from anyone in the youth, & I didn’t step foot in church for at least a year or two after daddy’s passing. I blamed & questioned God. Why would someone who claimed to love me so much put me in so much pain? Why would he want to take an (at the time) 18 year old girl’s father? He wouldn’t see me graduate, he wouldn’t see me go to college, he wouldn’t see me fall in love, & he wouldn’t be there to walk me down the isle. I had made myself believe that having my daddy die was God’s fault & only God’s.
For the couple of years after losing my dad, I rebelled against God in ways I thought would “get back” at him, not realizing it was only hurting myself. I made a reputation for myself, now looking back on it, was disgusting, all because I felt like I had to get “revenge” on God for taking the one man who held the key to my heart. But, it wasn’t until an old of friend of mine made me realize what exactly it was that I was doing. She said “Steph, God only gives his biggest battles to his strongest soldiers & his plans for you are far bigger than the ones you have for yourself. There is a reason God took your dad, you may not see it right now, but one day you will.”
I broke. I realized that instead of pushing away God in that time of need, I needed to be clinging to him. I rededicated my life in March of 2012 & I fell back in love the Lord. Yes, I have fallen off the horse a few times or two since then. Okay, more than a few times. But, I am still learning from my mistakes, trusting him while still healing. They say that when you lose someone significant in your life, that time will heal. I can honestly say that isn’t true. The pain I feel today, almost 6 years later, is no different than the pain I felt the day after. I still cry. I still long for my daddy’s hugs, & I still isolate myself when I’m missing him because I am human.
But, the pain seasides better knowing that God needed my father way more in Heaven than I did here on Earth & that it was part of this mind blowing plan he has for me. I have prayed & prayed for God to reveal his plan for me here lately & I am finally realizing that he is. I whole heatedly believe that God is sending me on the World Race to show me that regardless of the pain I feel on a daily basis, especially around the holidays, my life will not revolve around that. People around the world have the same daily struggle, but they may not have a refuge in the Lord like I do & it is my job to show them that you can get through any trial with his unfailing love. He has a purpose for my pain & the strength I have through this struggle. I promise I will never lose my faith or sight in this daily fight. God’s love for me is way bigger than any pain I feel & I will go to the ends of the Earth professing that.
“For God commands ALL his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.” -Psalms 91:11
