Can I tell you something? It is dang hard fighting temptation. It’s even harder to try and put on a show, acting like you’re not struggling. Very vulnerable post coming at you: I used to think that I must be doing something extremely wrong if I’m continually dealing with the temptation of sexual sin, as a woman, as a CHRISTIAN woman.
“Wait what? Aren’t you supposed to like not have any issues as a Christian because you have you’re life all together? I thought the only sin Christians committed was telling small white lies and accidentally saying God’s name in vain. Women in the church certainly do not deal with sexual sin, let alone women who aren’t even in relationships dealing with that kind of thing. You whore.”
Friends, that is far from the truth. And I lived in that lie for FAR too long. I was enslaved to that lie. I was crippled, and in a downward spiral because of that lie. Now you don’t even need to be a Christian or a woman to understand the void and brokenness that comes with things you’ve done that you’re ashamed of. The shame that comes with living thinking that you are too far gone, too messed up, and too broken for anyone to actually love you and accept you fully.
Why do we sometimes live in secret?
Why do we have such a fear of being found out completely?
Why is it hard to let people in to every area of our life?
To think that someone is without sin or without any type of “crap” in their life is BS. So why do we continue to put on a show acting like we have to have it all together? (I’m saying that because I have lived just like that for the longest time).
Let’s expel some of those lies. I am messed up, broken, tainted, and far from being a “good person”. BUT that does not determine my worth. My worth is found only in the One who holds my heart. The One who created me. The One who redeemed me and is continuing to heal me. His grace is not determined by my good works or by my failures. That is first and foremost the most important truth. Because of that truth, I can live in freedom knowing that nothing I do (good or bad) will ever change my worth to the One who aligned the stars in the sky. So what is grace exactly? “A shorthand for what grace is – “mercy, not merit.” Grace is the opposite of karma, which is all about getting what you deserve. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve, and not getting what you do deserve” (Justin Holcomb).
A core reason for why I lived in secret, had a fear of being found out completely, and not letting people into every area of my life is because of one simple thing: rejection. I’m starting to see how that one thing has played such a key role in many areas of my life. In my relationships, in the decisions I make, and the way I even view God. It’s crippling! And it’s not even rejection itself, but the fear of rejection. Have I experienced real rejection in the past? Of course. But more often than not, just the fear of it is what keeps us from moving forward. Is that a reality? It sure feels like it when we let that fear control. But when we decide to step out, push past that fear (which is not easy at all I must say, its actually the most terrifying thing ever, even posting this is making me sweat and my heart race), it turns out to be something so different.
It’s actually the most beautiful and healing thing we could ever need.
When I decided to not live in secret, to tell someone about the crap I’ve been dealing with, to actually let someone in, I did not experience rejection. I experienced the more understanding, grace, and Christ-like love than I have ever had before. I was embraced, I was comforted, and I was loved in such a way that only brought freedom with it. And you know what is even greater? This past year for the first time in my life, I met significant women, all leaders in the church in some way, that told me “hey, I understand because I’m going through the same thing”.
*CUE TEARS OF JOY/DESPERATION/FINALLY BEING UNDERSTOOD*. WHAT?! You mean I am not the only woman who is dealing with a sexual addiction?! Wow Jesus, you surround me with women who I look up to immensely, who know exactly what I need. Better yet, You never leave me alone in this.
Now does all of this mean that I’m completely healed and haven’t dealt with messing up since? No. It is not an overnight process my friends. Ask me more about it if you’re wondering 🙂
I never want anyone to feel alone in the things that they are dealing with. Please keep me accountable and call me on being prideful, living in secret, or not acting in love. We all have things that we are scared to bring to the light. But friends, let me tell you, only healing can come from stepping out in that. It can be a long, painful process, but it is a million times better than feeling like you are the only one going through it. We can’t do it alone. It can be hard to allow others to help us and love us completely, but oh is it a beautiful thing when we let it. Most importantly, we cannot change anything without the power of Christ. He’s meeting us where we are at NOW. Not when we have it all together. Not when we’ve cleaned up that one area of our life. NOW. In our messy, ugly, and broken today.
