Day one of debrief. My team and I had gone out for breakfast and I indulged in some banana chocolate chip pancakes… So good! It was our first morning session and Seth Barnes was speaking. About ten minutes into his talk, my squad leader got my attention and pulled me aside. I wondered what was going on and why she would pull me away during Seth’s talk, but I didn’t think much of it. We started walking back to her room and she said, ”You need to call your mother right away”. My heart stopped. I knew that the only reason Mom would contact me through AIM was only if there was a big emergency at home. I was scared and it felt like my body started shaking uncontrollably. I asked what was going on. “I think there’s been a death in your family”. My worst fear about being away on this race had come true. Someone I loved had passed away and I was not there. I lost it. I broke down. Immediately in my mind I began scanning the faces of who it could be. A grandparent, immediate family, a friend? I was absolutely terrified to call, but through shaky fingers and tears running down my face, I put the headphones in my ears and braced myself as I called my mom through Skype. She told me my uncle had a massive heart attack the night before and passed away…
The entire phone conversation was a blur. I just remember being in shock. I remember asking questions, but not being able to fully process everything my mom was saying. My heart seemed to be breaking over and over again as I just cried and cried. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. At twenty-six years old, this is the closest relative to me to pass away. I have no idea how to “grieve”. I have no idea if I need to cry by myself or surround myself with a team that loves me. I want to be home. I want to be with my family. I feel so helpless being so far away…
I spent all day processing this by talking with my teammates, journaling, and Skyping with most of my family. Talking with the fam helped because they are the people who know me best and knew what to say to help me feel better. They knew I would have a really hard time with this being “the sensitive one” and also being so far away.
It hurts. It’s hard to go through something I’ve never experienced before when I’m surrounded by so many people and I just want to be alone. There is no privacy as I’m in a hostel and sharing a room with eleven other girls. (I did buy myself a private room for the night, which was a huge blessing.)
Even though my heart is broken, my sister helped remind me that I need to pray for my family. That’s all I can do. My team doesn’t personally know my family, but God does. I can’t be there with them, but God already is. I am learning a lot this month in that I need to rely on God more than I ever have in my life. It’s a hard lesson because I feel like I’ve already been on an emotional roller coaster all month and this is the bitter icing on the cake.
But in this I am thankful. I am thankful for my team who gives me space when I need it. When I am with them, they are loving me and praying over me. I am thankful for my squad. Not a lot of people know what happened, but the ones who do pray over me and for my family, they check on me throughout the day, and offer any help they can give. I am thankful for my family and find myself praying harder for them. I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus that is growing everyday. I am finding more comfort in Him than I ever have and am learning that He IS my comforter.
(**Side note: It's just so crazy to think that my uncle actually met God yesterday…the thought of that absolutely blows my mind!)
Please say a prayer for my family. My uncle was only 41 years old and left behind my beautiful aunt and their sweet little girl.
