As I continue to discover this “new me in Christ”, I was honestly at a standstill for a while. I recognized where I was, then was like, “Ok God, now what?” I wanted that next step in becoming more like Christ, but I wasn’t sure how to go about it or how long it would take. I think I wanted an overnight response from Him. I prayed about it for a few days, but didn’t feel like I was making significant progress in it yet…I got impatient that I wasn’t transformed the way I wanted to be. I really wanted to not care what people thought of me, and only care about what God thinks. Somehow, I skipped the God part, and went right to I don’t care what people think of me. So I went from one extreme to another. Nothing too bad, but as I tried to make the transition, I rushed it and forgot to look up at God, and was still concentrated on myself.
I have also noticed that the more I was focused on myself, the more unhappy my heart was becoming. I noticed my patience was thinner towards people. I felt like I was losing my compassion for people in ministry and not seeing them in love, but just as the “work we had that day”. It was like I was just going through the motions. When I realized this, my heart was broken. What happened to me? Where was my mercy? Where was my love? Where was my joy in the Lord?
I met a man the other night in a park. Our teams were praying over people who were homeless and giving them bread and hot chocolate. I was walking by this man (not sure if he was homeless or not) when he yelled out with a big smile, “Ask me why I’m so happy!” (I asked him why.) “Jesus is living inside of me! How can I not be happy? He loves me so much!” He continued to talk about how his heart is filled with God’s love and how happiness is not found in material possessions. He talked about how God takes care of him, and just went on and on. He was in love— In love with Jesus. It was pouring out of him in such an evident way. I found myself craving that joy. I thought, “I want what he has.” Immediately I felt God say to me, “You do have that. You have the same spirit of Me in your heart that he does.”
Somewhere I lost focus of that. I began to try to discover the root of the problem. Instead of beating myself up for “messing up again”, I decided to find bible verses to speak life into me. How do I really find joy in the Lord? Joy is not based on feelings or a state of “happiness”. I realized that that's what I have been defining joy as for so long…I learned a new verse recently: John 3:30 He must increase, but I must decrease. It’s not about me. It’s about Jesus. That’s where my joy comes from. Keeping my eyes on Him and finding fulfillment in Him is how I will operate in love that I am seeking to find. I’m not seeking this love and joy; I already have it. It’s about becoming so much like Him, that the fruits of the spirit naturally pour out of me, not because I’m trying to make it happen. I have the SPIRIT OF GOD inside me. How awesome is that?! I can do anything in Him who gives me strength! Satan may try and discourage me with constantly bringing up these insecurities, but no. I am so much stronger than him. God meets me right where I am and then we continue to walk down the path He has perfectly and divinely put me on.
=)
