When I started writing this blog, I was writing about what I’ve been doing in the past week at debrief and traveling to El Salvador. However, as I was writing, God changed that and turned my thoughts and heart to be vulnerable and write about brokenness…
A week ago, I was in the quaint little town of Antigua, Guatemala for “debrief”. Debrief is a few days at the end of every month to bring all teams in the squad together for a relaxation/refresher time before heading to our next country. Our coaches and squad leaders meet with each team to discuss the previous month’s ministry, how the team is bonding, and any questions or concerns we have.
In the mornings, we had worship sessions led by our squad coach and founder of AIM, Seth Barnes. One day he spoke about brokenness, and explained what that is and what it looks like. Brokenness is not something you get, but it’s exposing what’s already broken inside of us. You don’t have to go on a journey like mine to experience this either. Brokenness is God showing us issues not dealt with in our lives. It can be insecurities we may have, secrets we’ve kept hidden, sins not confessed, and more. All of these things are eating us up inside for what can be years until God reveals it to us. Brokenness can look different for each person. For me, it’s realizing ‘Who the heck am I?’ It’s getting down to absolutely nothing, and realizing that God is all I have. It’s then that I can allow God to build me up in His image through prayer, reading the Bible, and having people speak life into me.
I have already begun the stages of brokenness without even realizing it until a teammate helped me see it. It was our last Sunday in Quiche, and our squad was having morning worship. I was in a nearby room having alone time with God when my teammate, Hayden, came in. She said God kept telling her to go into that room. Without knowing I was in there, she went anyway, and when she saw me, she asked if I was ok. I was, but I also I decided to open up a little bit since she asked. I told her how I was struggling with my relationship with God and my spiritual confidence. I was feeling bad about myself spiritually because I was so on fire for God before I left for the race thinking I was about to change the world! I get here, and not so much. I started comparing myself to my squad mates around me who could speak prophecy over others, see visions, and pray immaculate prayers. I felt like the bottom of the barrel. I started thinking, "What can I do this year when there are so many other people spiritually higher than me??" I was also having a hard time connecting with people as easily as I do at home, and it was almost lowering my self-esteem in a way…
While opening up to Hayden and processing these thoughts for a few days, I realized that I was having a hard time being myself because out of my comfort zone, I don’t truly know who I am. I have allowed my surroundings and experiences define who I was all my life. The defining factors were the people in my life, the mistakes I’ve made, the career I had, and the list goes on. That’s what I was allowing to define me– not finding my identity in God. I like who I am at home, don’t get me wrong, but it just got me thinking:
Who am I?? Who is Stephanie??
I’m not the Stephanie that people think I am, how they’ve treated me, or told me that I am, both good and bad. I’m not the lies that Satan has whispered in my ear my entire life. Seriously though, who am I and how does God see me? What potential does He see in me? What are my strengths that I don’t even know I have?
Do I have answers to these questions yet? No. I’m still figuring that out. I am trying to break through that wall of fear of being broken. It’s scary to think of changing who I’ve been for the past 26 years and to be recreated into almost a different me. It will be a better me though because I will be more like Christ! Please pray for me as I go out of my comfort zone even further and step into who God is creating me to be!
