Dear Papa,
Well that’s what I have wanted to call you for a while, but I mostly refer to you as God. It seems so informal though, to call you Papa. I have been taught that it is not “the right way” to talk to you conversationally. Like maybe that would be disrespectful or maybe just too easy or something.
I feel like you know me, but I don’t know you most days and I am not sure how to change that. It has helped me start to get to know you, but I am still struggling to understand how you can love every single person “unconditionally.” I suppose I have never felt love quite like that before and am pretty sure I never will. I hope to know what that feels like and be able to freely accept that from you.
I have to be honest, there have been many times in my life when I have sat and wondered if you were even real, if you were going to answer the prayers I cried out to you. I wondered how some of the most “faithful Christians” I knew were more judgmental than not, as if they were doing your work for you. I wonder if they really understand how you love or if they have completely misinterpreted your word. Because aren’t you supposed to love everyone for who they are? Is it our job to condemn others for their choices? I often times felt guilty coming on the race having those thoughts. But, I am learning when I hear you calling me and when you are present. I am starting to see how you are teaching me to love without biases and to recognize the small miracles you hand-make for me every day.
Do you remember that day? I am sure you do, you are all-knowing. You know, the day when I turned to you after all those years…the day I crumbled and fell to my knees before you after hearing those three words…”mom and breast cancer"…the day I looked up at the rain you created and closed my eyes finally allowing you to put your arms around me and feel your gentle touch drip drop on my face. I will never forget that day. Why did it take so much for you to get my attention? Why do some people have to reach a place so dark to find you, the light?
I think what I am asking is that you can help me to understand you and feel your presence, whether that is in the form of a big black lady or a tall white man. I just want to know you more….I just want to talk to you like anyone else…
Love Always,
Your daughter
