We were at a pool enjoying a day off when we met a girl from Ohio, we got to talking and found out her and her mother are here for a modeling gig she’s getting some portfolio pictures done and starting up her book. I later found out she is going through an agency that cut me deep emotionally, but I took photos for, to later be told I wasn’t good enough or what they were looking for.
I remember when my photos where being taken I couldn’t help but stare at all the other girls around me and compare myself to them, I want her body, her legs, her waist, her bust, her beautiful pearly white smile, and luscious lips, oh and I have to have that girls flowy hair and I need that girls portfolio stance. Oh man did you see that girls pose it was so natural and beautiful, how do I do it?
I tried sharing all of this with the girl I met, and what a struggle it was for me back then I had no joy in my life, I was always being put down, struggling with weight and self-image issues, trying to gain acceptance from others, and make it big in the industry, I wanted to be pretty, perfect, popular and have my picture everywhere I was born to have my name in the lights, or so I thought then..
As I explained my life and past struggles with this girl and her mom they just sat there telling me how others suffer with weight issues but she doesn’t, others eat one can of tuna a day and a lemon but she eats much
more than that. But it brought back all the pain I felt when I was in her shoes, I didn’t realize I was suffering from a problem but you could tell by looking at me I was. I was her, but I am not anymore.
But talking with her all I could feel was hurt for that girl but then I felt hurt for myself, I felt unworthy, not good enough, not beautiful, ugly and obese, I was ashamed of who I let myself become, and completely embarrassed to get out of the pool and walk in front of these people. I know they are looking at me in disgust, wondering how a girl like me did any modeling or pageants. I know that when I was that girl that’s what I did I was rude, I was joyless, I was judgmental, you had to be in this industry, you had to tear others down to bring yourself up, I was ‘ugly’ inside and out. I was better than everyone else. Its disgusting and sad I know, but its reality and it sucked!
I spent a good hour on the side of the pool listening to their ‘model’ drama which reminded me so much of when I modeled, it was all so true, 16 year old girls dating old men, rumors being started about you, guys only wanting girls because they model, people knowing you’re a virgin and trying to take that from you, morals- whats that?,
