Several years ago, Jaci Velasquez released a song that opened with the line, “What have I to offer to a world in need? Yet for some unknown reason, You have chosen me.” That line almost perfectly describes my reaction every time I consider the call that God has placed on my life. Each time I start to doubt and question, that call reverberates in my heart.
“Go! Go! You have something in you, something that I placed there, that will bring you to lost and broken people and enable you to bring My healing to them. Go!”
God’s call on my life came at a fairly young age. I was about 15 years old. My family was living in St. Louis, MO, at the time, and we were attending one of those mega churches with 5,000+ members. It was the middle of the week, and the church had been having revival meetings every night all week. I and several others of the youth group were sitting on the floor up by the stage, as had been our habit for most of the week. At some point during the sermon that evening, the power of the Holy Spirit fell very strongly and our pastor was unable to continue his message. He began to call out in a loud voice, quoting Isaiah 6:8, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” Immediately, something responded in my spirit, and before I could control it, I was shouting at the top of my lungs, in front of 5,000 people, “Here I am, Lord! Send me!”
Now, in order to understand why this scenario is so shocking, you have to know a little bit about me. I am the oldest of three children. I was homeschooled and raised in a Bible-believing home. We went to a very small church for most of my childhood, and my environment was extremely sheltered. Myers-Briggs classifies me as an INFJ personality type, one of the rarest types out there, and that introvertedness was never more apparent than during my childhood and teenage years. I was the quiet one, the one who would sit in the corner at every gathering and just watch. My few friends called me a church mouse. I did not speak out except in the comfort and safety of family and friends. Even that was rare, and people stopped to listen when I talked because it simply just did not happen often. So when I got up and answered God’s call at the top of my lungs, no one was more surprised than me!
As the years moved on, I took that call and hid it in my heart. I would take it out and ponder it now and then, but I really had no idea what it meant or what I was supposed to do with it. I would imagine that perhaps I would find myself in some lonely and forgotten part of the world, help a few people, and pass unremarked upon into history. After all, who was I to think that I could be some great minister or missionary? Just look at me! I was the most socially awkward person on the planet. I couldn’t even talk to a single stranger without stuttering and shaking with anxiety, much less stand and speak before a whole crowd of them. What I gradually began to learn over the next 14 years is that God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called!
Straight out of high school, I went into the Air Force, which gave me culture shock to the highest degree. It was in the military that I started to make some very surprising discoveries about myself. I was far stronger than I had ever imagined, and I was tenacious. Those two qualities enabled me to hold onto my faith and draw closer to God through trials that would have blown most people completely out of the water. Through every one of those trials, the question on my lips was, “Why God? Why are You allowing this to happen?” The answer was always the same. “I am refining you. This will make you stronger.” I did not understand at the time, but looking back, I realize that God was in the process of qualifying the one whom He had called. I am in a constant state of preparation.
A few months ago, the call God had laid on me so many years ago was again brought to the forefront of my mind. The young adults in my church had started a study called Not A Fan. In the process of going through this study, God began to persistently poke and prod at me. He began to highlight areas of my life that I had not surrendered to Him, and to point out that I had stopped being a follower and was now only a fan. I was going through the motions of having a relationship with Him, but I had lost the fire of my first love. As God began to reignite that fire in me, He reminded me of the call He had placed on my life.
I had recently returned to my home state after moving around a lot over the last 10 years, and I was looking forward to settling in, putting down roots, and not going anywhere for a long while. God had other plans, as He so often does. He asked me if I would be obedient to what He asked, even if I did not like it. I replied that of course I would, although I did not know what He wanted me to do. He took me back through my life and showed me all of the times that I had packed up, left everything, and moved on a moment’s whim. He said, “Stephanie, all those times you moved because you wanted to. It was only for you. I know you were looking forward to staying in one place for a while, but I need to know….Will you do this once again, this time for Me? Will you go?”
I remember feeling like my heart was going to break into a million pieces when He asked me that. I wrestled with being obedient for over a week before I finally said, “Yes. I will go. Though it breaks my heart, I will surrender my hopes and dreams into Your hands. I will trust Your plan and I will obey.”
I still don’t know what it is that I have to offer to a world that is so broken, but I have learned to trust God. Whatever I need, He will provide. He will not let me walk out onto the field He has called me to empty-handed. I just need to be obedient and GO!
