I bought my plane ticket for Florida the other night and I cried. I’ll be “home” July 7th, though I’m not really sure what home means anymore. My home isn’t South Florida where I lived 6 years ago, nor is my home Tallahassee where I lived right before the Race. Home isn’t even the building I’m currently sleeping in. Moving around as often as we have over these last 10 months has caused my concept of home to change completely. If they say home is where my heart is then my heart is scattered throughout Africa, Asia and Eastern Europe. Home is being with my squad and living in community. That feels normal now. That feels like home. And in less than 4 weeks, I’ll be without a home again.
In the last few weeks, just about every conversation brings up that question. “So, what are your plans after the world race?” I despised that question at first. I kind of still do. Honestly, I don’t really know what I’m doing next. And that’s hard for people to hear, especially those in the States. A lot of my squadmates have a plan for their next step. Some are being sought after, some already have jobs lined up or have been accepted to some school. Some have it together.
I am not one of those people.
It’s hard for me not to be a little jealous. I want a plan and I want to know what God has for me next. I don’t want to worry about the future. I want to have an answer for that unavoidable question.
For weeks I have been praying about this. There are even a few specific things that I have in mind. But I haven’t gotten an answer about any of those things.
Before going on the Race I was worried about my finances and how I would ever raise enough money, I worried whether I was good enough or “spiritual” enough to even be on the Race, I was worried that maybe I didn’t make the right decision to go. I was worried about so many other things. But during that time the Lord so clearly spoke Psalm 37:3-7 to me.
Trust in the Lord and do good, Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord, Trust in Him, And He will bring it to pass…
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.
God reminded me of this word the other night while I was praying. Just like He did over a year ago, He is comforting me and telling me to trust Him and let Him guide me in my future. He’s asking me to (yet again) give to Him all of my worries, to rest in His love and to trust Him. So I am.
He’s come through in every one of those worries before the race. He’s come through in every need since I’ve been on the field. I’ve encountered His faithfulness first hand countless times. And you know what I’ve noticed? All of those times God has come through and answered me have almost always been last minute. And it’s always been like that. That’s the way He deals with me.
For some people He speaks specifically to them far in advance, and it’s great because He knows that’s what they need. But with me it’s a we’ll-figure-it-out-when-we-get-there sort of thing. And he’s given me an overwhelming sense of peace in the midst of all of this.
I know that His plans for me are great. I know that He is faithful to complete the work He’s started in me. I know He works all things for my good. I know that He loves me.
So no, I don’t know what I’m doing after the Race or where “home” is, but why should I worry?
We’ll figure it out when I get there.
