God’s Love vs. Suffering
The idea of suffering is a real struggle for me, especially
putting it in perspective with God’s love. For years, I’ve struggled to see God
as a loving, compassionate God. It seemed to me that the Bible spent a great
deal of time discussing God’s wrath and how he destroyed cities and
civilizations. Doesn’t seem like a loving and compassionate God to me.
Then there are numerous verses that are pro-suffering. It’s
as if the Bible was saying to me that God delights in suffering, and that
following God means you have to give up everything and be miserable. But you
will have to grin and bear it during your misery, because that’s the Christian
thing to do.
I use to tell my friends that I was afraid to follow God
because then I would be forced to give away all my possessions, move to Africa,
and live in the dirt and be miserable. (Yes… I understand the irony of the
situation, since I did leave all of my possessions behind, and am essentially
moving to Africa to live in the dirt. God has a sense of humor).
Well, I’ve been trying to figure out where this mindset came
from. Because in my HEAD I know that God loves me and doesn’t want me to
suffer, but in my HEART I feel differently.
Maybe it’s because of how I was raised. I have wonderful
parents who always taught us to do “the right thing.” Doing the right thing and
making the right choices were strongly emphasized in my family. I think I
linked always “doing the right thing” with Christianity. To me,
Christianity became to be about morality and knowing right from wrong. In a
way, I saw Christianity as a punishment and a way to redeem myself for any
wrong doings. Christianity was akin to morality. It was about living LIKE Christ, not living WITH Christ.
Maybe this is why I struggle with God’s character. But maybe
not. This is just one theory. I don’t really know for sure.
But still, I think God delights in my suffering. I can’t
honestly say that I love God. I don’t feel that. I see others who are deeply in
love with Christ and long for that love. I strive for that. But I’ve learned that faith is not about
feeling. It’s about believing. If you don’t FEEL God’s love, it doesn’t mean it
doesn’t exist.
But still, that isn’t good enough for me. I want to FEEL it.
So I started asking around. My contact in Guatemala told me that when you struggle to love God, you should
pray for him to show you how much He loves you in very personal ways.
So I started praying.
That same day, we got chocolate covered bananas. The next
day we had the most amazing fried fish. Day after day, we were given treat
after treat. My teammate, Amy, even started joking with me, exclaiming “STACY!
I am SOO glad that Jesus loves you!” each time we were given another treat. I
was starting to believe.
But then, my air mattress, my bed for the whole year, got a
hole in it. That night, I wound up in the hospital. I returned from the
hospital just in time to tear down my tent, and break my tent pole in half.
With the snap of a pole, I was back to believing that God wanted me to suffer.
Now I am in El Salvador. And right away, I volunteered to
speak at a high school. What did I speak about? The character of God. I was
reminded of one of my favorite passages in the Bible. Nehemiah 9, specifically
verses 26-31. In this passage, God chronicles the history of the Israelites.
Time and time again, he provided for them, yet they hardened their hearts and
turned against him. So God turned them over to their enemies, they got scared,
and repented of their actions. And time and time again it says that because of
His great mercy and compassion, God spared them. EVERY time they repented, he
spared them. This lasted for hundreds of years. This doesn’t seem like an angry
God bent on punishment. This sounds like
a loving God, bent on providing for His people.
So do I still struggle to feel God’s love? Do I still think
he wants me to suffer? Yes. But little by little, I am starting to believe. And
today, sitting in the nicest Starbucks I have ever seen, eating the most
amazing chocobanano gelato (chocolate banana ice cream), I am starting to
think, maybe He really does love me. Maybe Christianity isn’t about anger and
wrath. Maybe it isn’t about right and wrong, but about love and relationships. I guess God really does love me, even if I
don’t always feel it.
And if you ever find yourself struggling to “feel the love”,
then pray for God to show you, in very personal ways, how much He loves you.
You just might end up outside on a beautiful sunny day, eating a chocolate
covered banana.
