It is so hard to believe that I have been home for almost close to two months! I still found myself thinking I am just in a new country but then I realize I am a citizen of this country and my team is no longer around me. It blows my mind to think I was gone for 11 months and went to 11 different countries, I sometimes found myself wondering did all of this really happen!?!
Since being home it truly has been a real struggle in so many ways, but one of the biggest ways is seeing that I am no longer the person I was before. I am still in shock and amazement of what the Lord has done in me. He started by breaking down all the walls I have built to protect myself from everyone, including Him. I remember how much it hurt when He started and how I was not sure whether I could face all that He had for me. Next thing I know I was standing there feeling exposed to everyone and did not know what to expect next. I couldn’t be more thankful for how the Lord has molded me into who He created me to be and how He used my squad and team to help in calling out the bad and speaking in the truth. I have missed having these people around me but this time has made me see more and more how the Lord is right beside me.
Now I am here sitting in the lodge basement on AIM’s campus at Project Searchlight surrounded again by most of my squadmates and teammates. This week has been incredible hearing the different speakers and having worship where I can be free and to have people speaking over me. I feel like I am a sponge that cannot absorb enough of this living water and I love how much is flowing in, so then I can pour it out.
One of the biggest things that clicked for me was how I am ruined forever. I will never be the same and the Lord has truly messed me up for the better. I have seen this just in the time that I have been home in the times that I feel former temptations coming after me I step back and remember how much more I love the Lord and what He has made me than the temporary happiness or good feels that those temptations will bring. I look back at who I use to be and how I feel more of myself now then I ever have. I feel more alive and complete now then I ever have before. I can never go back to the old. I will never love the same ways nor act the same ways because those parts are no longer a part of me. The Lord has stripped them away and replaced it with better hopes, desires, and feelings. I am so thankful that I am ruined and I am a mess and I am broken because I am my beloved’s beloved. What more could I ever desire than to be with the one who loves me more than anyone would ever be capable of.
A couple of things I would recommend for those who come back from the race: 1) stay intentional with the Lord and it may be awkward and it will be different but try new ways and you will figure out what works, 2) do not allow things to distract you from what the Lord has given you a passion for or calling, it will be hard not to just want to sit on your bed and watch Netflix all the time or go back to the vices you have been freed from, 3) come to Project Searchlight, not to just see your squadmates and teammates but to allow the Lord to pour into you from the different speakers and worship and 4) reach out and find community or create it. I love you all and praying for all my fellow World Racers out there. This is just the beginning of an incredible and hard life of greatness in the Lord.
