One of the biggest things God has been testing me on is vulnerability. Ugh just the sound of that word makes me tremble. I have learned how to hide behind my walls and not let people in; one of the many talents I have. Through the first month God has been really working on breaking all the walls around me and one of them was sharing my testimony with my team. I was not looking forward to this night and I would have done pretty much anything to avoid it. But after talking to some of the squad leaders and they prayed over me, along with praying about forgiveness towards those who have hurt me and just opening up. One of my squad leaders told me about an image God gave her about me having some kind of armor surrounding my chest and that she saw it opening up and freeing me. I kept listening to the song Demons covered by Tyler Ward and Kina Grannis because that is how I felt and did not want to share those demons. When the time came I shared my testimony with my team and it actually felt good to finally talk about everything. My team is amazing and made me feel good about opening up and just showed acceptance and love for me.
Then we go to debrief and that’s when God really wanted to test me on being open. One of the first sessions our squad mentor did was on VULNERABILITY. I was sitting in my chair and just thought ‘really God really now!’ As she was talking I knew that God was preparing me to share and then Stacy (our mentor) says, ‘We are going to do a sharing activity’ and I was so ticked. We prayed about what we felt God was laying on our hearts to share. Right then and there I knew what God had laid on my heart to say because it was what He had been working on in me. The two words that came to mind were Unloved and Unworthy. When Stacy opened the floor up I just could not get up the nerve to go up there, if you know me I do not do well speaking in front of large groups especially if it is something very personal. Then one of my squadmates went up and talked about how he was in a five year relationship, living with the person, and how they broke up in April. I immediately started to cry in my seat because my mind was blown. I knew then that I had to go up there and I had to share. I looked to one of squadmates beside me, Amy, and told her I have to go up there but I can’t. She encouraged me and told me to go up there. I started to walk up there and my heart felt like it was in my throat and it was going to explode. I sit on the stage in front of our squad and look up and just started to cry. The fear inside of me started to consume all of me. But then some of the ladies came up and surrounded me and began to pray over me. Once they had finished I just focused on what God was wanting me to say and fighting the fear. I began to tell my squad how in I was in a five year relationship, living with the guy, and at the end of April it finally came out that he no longer knew how he felt about me. I told them about how things had gotten rough and how distant he had become. I continued telling them how May and June were the months for him to figure out how he felt and how they were very hard because it was pretty much like we were already broken up. Finally we broke up the end of June when I texted him asking did he want to try to work things out or just end it and he sent back just saying he still did not know how he felt about me and did not want to ask me to wait for him to figure out. I told my squad how the Thursday before Monday (when all this went down) I had filled out my World Race application and then did the online interview Friday evening. I remember being so broken and feeling so unloved and angry but then God showed me how He had something better ahead of me because that Thursday I received the phone call saying I had been accepted to do the World Race! After finishing opening up to my squad God showed me how awesome my squadmates are. They started to tell me how much they loved me and then one really hit when she told me that the first second she met me she knew she loved me and that I should never wait for someone to figure out how they feel about me. So I thought I was good and done but nope God spoke to my squad leader, who challenged me to say out loud that ‘I am loved.’ At first I seriously did not want to say it because I really did not feel like it but then just the pouring out of love from my squad and God I knew I needed to say it and I did. But the story does not end there.
Just the other night our host, Joel, in Peru preached on David and Goliath because he felt that the Lord had placed it on his heart. It was not like any other sermon I had heard on this story because he talked about how we were made in God’s image and that means we are beautiful and perfect. Joel continued to talk about how we need to see ourselves in God’s image and that we needed to speak life about ourselves. He ended it with asking anyone who felt ugly or negative towards ourselves to come up for prayer. And there it was again, vulnerability and standing up saying ‘yea that’s me.’ But I did it and let me tell you, it was so worth it. Some of my squadmates came up and laid their hands on me and the others and started to speak over us. One told me that God was telling her that I am favored and one of the top people on his list. Another told me how I was beautiful and light up a room when I walked in and how I brought joy to everyone around. Then Joel came over to me and started to talk about how he could see me in my alone time and how I was a thinker and would speak so much negativity to myself and prayed that I would have a Christ mind set and see what God sees in me. I could just feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and just had to sit down on the ground. I started praying to God to just remove the negative thoughts and to show me how He saw me. I can say that God showed me how beautiful I am and any time I start to think negatively about myself I just talk to God and look at myself from His view. I am beautiful. I am a precious gem. I am a joyous light for God. And I am loved and worthy.
PS: I love vulnerability! haha
