Very early on in this journey, God confirmed He wanted me on the mission field with the World Race by completely removing all doubt about the massive amount of money I would need to fundraise to acquire. A supernatural peace and a promise from God gave me the courage to apply no matter the cost. I can't be explicit with all this information so I can show y'all how awesome God is but just take my word for it when I say, He showed up in a major way when I was still questioning even applying.
But oh how quickly I forgot that place of strength, resolve and peace. Now as things (beyond my control) are changing I find myself questioning how in the world I will ever raise enough money to do this. How will I ever make this happen? I can barely afford living in this city that I love so dearly. Paycheck to paycheck is real. How will I ever pay to go on the World Race?? Beyond that what about my gear, my vaccinations, spending money?
Just today God answered my question: I won't make any of it happen. God will. And if He doesn't, He is still God. And I will still fearlessly cling to Him. I will still put my hope in Him and believe that He has called me to this mission.
His promises are real. I am going to be crystal clear here with a personal testimony. Today, my very best friend and I were in Times Square. That happens maybe twice a year. We spent a drizzly morning at The Metropolitan Museum of Art and decided to walk down to the theater where she and another friend were planning to see a show. Times Square always gives me anxiety/annoys me, but today was especially frustrating. If you've ever struggled financially or had to overdraw your account to have money to eat (which I had to do today) then you know how exhausting it is. Feeling helpless because of finances is so ridiculous but it happens. Today I felt that. And having people push, shove and close in on me was about to make me crack. It just exacerbated the overwhelming sense of helplessness already lurking. So I veered off to get on MTA (another daily lesson in patience) and I do what I have learned is the only solution when I am in despair: I Opened the living, breathing, powerful word of God.
I started two new devotionals this week but have already fallen behind. Because I was underground the plans could only open to a later date than where I actually am. But here is what they said to me.
1. I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13, 14 NIV)
2. Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:25-31 NIV)
Those two verses spoke exactly to my situation. 1. Wait. God is preparing a miracle. Yes, things might not be going the way I want them to, the way I can "fix" if something happens. Instead, I am standing in a gap where only God can provide my transportation to the next level of glory. 2. God is drawing me out of the boat. I was struck by the image of Peter walking on water and the rest of his pals sitting in the boat. The Bible says they all have God glory after seeing what happened. I decided reading that, that although there is no fault in them staying in that boat, I want to be a Peter. It's a much scarier place to be but if I am going to "take up my cross and follow" Jesus it's the only way I can live. There will be times when God allows me to sit behind and watch as He moves someone else to walk on water, but right now I am being called out of that boat. It's easy when I am waiting on a miracle to feel like I am drowning. But this verse promises me that immediately Jesus will reach out to me when I start to sink. He doesn't let Peter flail or think he's gonna die. IMMEDIATELY he reaches for him. Gods sense of urgency might be different than mine, but His is always right.
I am convinced that God wants to teach me so much about faith, discipleship and courage over the course of this journey.
Hopefully, if you're reading this and you're standing against seemingly insurmountable odds, you're encouraged. rest in the truth of God's might. He has worked, is working, will work on our behalf. He loves us too much to let us drown in our lakes of despair and anxiety. And even though He is calling me out on to the water ($16,285 +) I am resting assured that He will provide. I will remain confident in this.
