Sometimes I wish that life was like a movie. And by sometimes, I mean pretty much all of the time. For example, when you’re having an awesome day there would be a fun & happy song playing overhead, and when something scary is about to happen there would be that dreadful music that makes you close your eyes and peer through your fingers. I’ve watched one too many episodes of Criminal Minds so I would especially appreciate the creepy music to give me a heads up on something frightening in the next scene. The thing about the music that plays in movie scenes is that it gives you a sense of what’s next; the tempo and the pitch foreshadow what will happen in the character’s life. Man, that would be great right about now.
I thought about this whole spiel on movies while watching Definitely Maybe; you know, the one where Will Hayes (aka Ryan Reynolds) reflects on the story of how he met his wife, or more accurately, his soon to be ex-wife. There’s one particular scene that caught my eye; it’s a scene in which Will has recently moved to New York to pursue a career in politics. Will moved to New York to work for the Clinton campaign; he arrived with written speeches in tow, expecting to be ushered into a front office desk, but instead was given a job as the coffee and toilet paper guy. Will’s frustration becomes evident when he’s stuffing envelopes and accidentally staples his hand, he yells “WHAT AM I DOING HERE?; he’s caught up in the mundane task of details and isn’t exactly stoked about it.
While watching this movie, simply trying to take in all of the drama and love stories that most chic flicks entail, I found a question that had hidden itself in my heart awhile ago. What am I doing with my life? Oh boy, not that one again.
I’ve officially been home from the World Race for two months; everyone told me about this whole re-entry thing, but I didn’t really understand until recently. I stepped off a plane at LAX airport on May 28th, accompanied by 59 people that I’d grown to adore, a hiking pack full of grungy clothes that should be burned, a spirit full of purpose, and a heart full of emotions that I couldn’t exactly place.
After a trek around the world, I was home. But what does that even mean now?
If home is where the heart is, then how is it that I’ve stood in a room full of people that defined the very essence of the past 24 years of my life, yet felt completely alone? It’s in these moments, which seem to happen even more frequently lately, that the Lord whispers to me. You aren’t alone sweet daughter. Ive called you to something different. Sometimes you’ll be confused. Sometimes it will hurt. A lot. Choose me. Love me. Seek after me. Trust me dear, I won’t let you down.
If home is where the heart is, then how is it that I’ve stood in a room full of people that defined the very essence of the past 24 years of my life, yet felt completely alone? It’s in these moments, which seem to happen even more frequently lately, that the Lord whispers to me. You aren’t alone sweet daughter. Ive called you to something different. Sometimes you’ll be confused. Sometimes it will hurt. A lot. Choose me. Love me. Seek after me. Trust me dear, I won’t let you down.
Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. I adore my friends and family, and I’m so grateful to spend these few months home with them. But, I also know that God’s made it clear that my life that was once “normal”, no longer exists. So, while I’m passing my days nannying for a 9-month old and wondering how I got here after such a crazy year on the mission field, I find myself seeking rest in the plans that the Lord has for me. Truth in who He says I am. Purpose in where He has me today, in this exact moment. And confidence in the fact that He’s blessed me abundantly in the past 2 months, as well as used me as a blessing in the least expected way: to soothe crying and change diapers. This is where He has me & I’m thankful for the unexpected lessons I’m learning 🙂
Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
Psalm 86:11-12
