Lost in transition.

Sketchy, inconsistent, apathetic. Those words described me just a few months ago. If asked the question of three traits of myself, I would of course answer with words that were more flattering. But, the former were more realistic.

I’ve always struggled with investing myself completely in relationships. Whether it be friendships or dating, there always seemed to be a part of my heart that was left undisclosed; a depth of myself that I didn’t want to reveal. I just really didn’t care; I didn’t feel much of anything, nor did I have the desire to invest myself into anything of permanence

For example, during college, I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, had a few relationships that were nothing short of train wrecks, and most of my family passed away within two years. Ask me how I was doing, and my answer would have simply been “I’m good”, when in reality my heart was in shambles. It was evident that the glimmer of joy that was once found in my eyes had been replaced with bitterness, but I didn’t want to shine light on the cracks in my heart, nor did I want to reveal any weaknesses. My heart was wound up so tightly that even Houdini couldn’t break down the walls. 

I was involved in organizations in college and held a few different job titles, always meeting new people, but also ready to jump to the next thing after the feeling of newness began to fade. When it came to the point that I would truly begin to invest myself in a person, organization, or company, I would most often decide it was time for a change and transition into a new stage of my life. 

All of these things have changed drastically in the past few months. The thought of building relationships with people, while knowing I would have to say good-bye at the end of each month or potentially switching teams several times, persuaded me to believe that I would struggle with loving people wholeheartedly while on the race.  I knew that I wanted to love them with everything inside of me, but I didn’t think it was possible. I figured that I could give a small amount of love and feel satisfied with still having the ability to withhold parts of myself.  False.

God has broken down the walls that once surrounded my heart; these walls began to crumble with the transition of adjusting to life on the race, while being a part of Team City Lights for the first three months.  The people that I spent the past three months helped me to love wholeheartedly and, in a sense, brought me back to life. God flooded my heart with joy while building relationships with my former team, and taught me the importance of loving deeply. I learned that they deserved everything that I had to offer, even when it seemed meaningless or frustrating. I sometimes struggled with loving deeply when I didn’t agree with things or small things began to build into bigger issues, but God was faithful in teaching us parts of His heart through our interactions with each other. It wasn’t always easy, nor was it always fun. But, most things that are worth doing aren’t always a walk in the park.

One of the nights that sticks out in my memory was one that Leah, Kendra, and I sat outside and talked after going for a run, which ended with mostly tears, but also a sense of releasement. Releasement of negativity. Releasement of past mistakes. Releasement of lies that we had believed about ourselves. Things began to change within my heart that night; God began to purify my heart and renew my mind again, which left me with a sense of brokenness that God is continuing to rebuild. 

Team changes happened after we arrived in Romania, a few days before leaving for Moldova. We were given our teams in an envelope and asked to spend time with the Lord before reading the names of who we would be living with during the next stage of our journey. I read the names on the list and realized there was only one person from my previous team, which left me speechless. Not only was it just one person from my previous team, but also people that I really hadn’t gotten to know much since training camp. I later found out that most of my previous team stayed together, which brought a wide array of feelings. Overwhelmed. Sad. Happy. Confused. I cried for most of the two days that our squad was together, which has been a theme to my life for the past few weeks. (I’ll blog about that later…it’s a good thing though). 

Most of the people on our squad knew the depth of the love that I had for the friends I have made on City Lights; I was thankful that they overwhelmed me with encouragement and love during the few days of transitioning to a different team. On the same day, Cinthia and Alicia both spoke a word to me about peacefulness; they both told me that I have a sense of peace about me that I bring to an environment. A sense of peace is exactly what I felt in my heart, even though I went through so many emotions in a short time. It also humbled me to realize that sometimes I’m incapable of being the right person for situations in people’s lives; God has His own plan, which sometimes doesn’t involve anything that I can do. Even though I may not fit into the puzzle of one situation, I’m perfect for another place. 

I had felt the Lord speaking to me that a new season was coming, but I hadn’t prepared myself for such a drastic change. Even though it’s different and could potentially be uncomfortable beginning relationships with new people, I’m thankful that my God isn’t a God of complacency. He loves me enough to give me what I need, even if it’s not necessarily what I want. He trusts me enough to love deeply in new relationships and not hold myself back. He has confidence in me to face challenges and overcome difficult situations. I know that this change could have only been orchestrated through decisions based on God’s desires, and am receiving it with open hands and an open heart. 

Even if the heartache that I experienced from leaving people that I became best friends with  hasn’t exactly been fun, I’m okay with the fact that God may have only used that one night, or any of the other moments we were together, as a mile-stone in any of our lives. I know that transitioning into the race would have been impossible for me without the close friendships that I built on Team City Lights, and thank God for the season that we lived together. 

So, with that being said, I’m now transitioning into being a part of another team, Team Prodigal.  Pronounced either Prodigal or Pro’digal, depending on if you want a little spice in your life :). My new team has welcomed Robby and I with open arms, and relationships are gradually starting to build. There hasn’t been a feeling of awkwardness or uncomfortableness, which is awesome. It’s crazy that it feels perfectly normal to me that I’m living in a house with 8 other girls that I really don’t know that well. Even though I don’t really know people yet, I know that God has covered me in love and joy for this place. I have a sense of refreshness and renewal within myself that seemed foreign just a few weeks ago. I will be found seeking after God’s heart for Moldova; I won’t be defined by circumstances. I’m excited to see how our team is used by the Lord, and I know there are different sides of God’s heart to be found in the new faces of people who surround me.      

I should probably tell you the story about our team name. Keep in mind that this was our first outing as a new team. Our flight from Ireland had arrived late the night before, so we hadn’t had the opportunity to go to an ATM, which meant we had no “Lei” (Romanian currency). Since we didn’t have any cash, we couldn’t take the bus or a taxi, so we decided to walk until we saw a store. An hour and a half later….we’re still walking, and decide to stop at the Hornet Hotel. Thankfully, the woman working behind the front desk spoke English and gladly called us a taxi, who then drove us to an ATM. But, not before we divided up into two taxis and got lost from each other for about an hour. We were slightly freaking out since the 3 people in the other taxi didn’t have a phone and we were in a very unfamiliar place, but we managed to find each other a short time later. 

Besides our initial arrival in Haiti, this moment was the first time I have truly been culture-shocked. I was in a city that I had no clue where anything was, I definitely don’t speak Romanian, which meant that communicating with any type of transportation was pretty difficult, and we weren’t sure if the other half of our team knew the name of the Village where our house was. Sounds pretty great, right? James, my team leader, did a great job of staying calm and the Lord reunited us all eventually. We were told to “make a memory” with our team that day, so indeed we did. Go big or go home 🙂

Team Prodigal

James Woodley (Team Leader)

www.jameswoodley.theworldrace.org

Alicia Tarjeft

www.aliciatarjeft.theworldrace.org

Kara Graham 

www.karagraham.theworldrace.org

Micah Higgins

www.micahhiggins.theworldrace.org

Robby Smith

www.robbysmith.theworldrace.org

Please keep Team Prodigal, as well as team Fearless (old team), in your prayers. I am truly blessed to be serving alongside so many amazing people. God is moving in mighty ways throughout July (P)-Squad. We are currently living in Cornesti, Moldova. Update to come soon about our ministry. Love love!