One of my favorite things about Haiti is the fact that our house is directly across the street from the ocean. Each morning that I wake up, I’m able to spend time in prayer while staring at the beautiful turquoise water. It’s been a safe haven for much needed alone time while living with 40 other people.
At first glance, the ocean looks clean and inviting; after closer observation, you will notice the debris and scattered trash that lies along the shore. Although the scattered trash isn’t noticeable at first glance, the tide carries the litter out into the depths of the ocean when it rains. I woke up one morning to see an array of trash stretching about a mile from shore after a tropical storm. I was saddened by the ugliness that man had made out of one of God’s most beautiful creations. I’ve thought that it is such a waste that no one is able to swim in the ocean because it is tainted with pollution.
After seeing the trash consume the shore-line, I evaluated the “trash” in my own life. Isn’t it easy to sweep things under the rug and never receive healing from them because we just don’t want to deal with it? I’ve found this to be a coping mechanism of mine. Instead of being vulnerable with God and allowing Him to heal my hurts and work through some of the pain that I’ve experienced, I would much rather pretend that it never happened and continue along merrily. It’s easier to ignore our flaws instead of allowing God to chip away at our pride and traits that are not Christ-like.
I imagine God holding up a chisel and hammering away at my heart….doesn’t sound like much fun to me. But, when we don’t allow God to work through the messiness in our hearts, the trash begins to consume our lives. Just like the ocean tide takes the pollution into the depths of the ocean, the problems or hurts that we have will eventually leak into the depth of our souls and consume our entire being. It may seem easier to push things aside and forget about it, but eventually it resurfaces and presents a bigger problem than to begin with.
I talked with the girls on my team about this, and my sweet teammate Rachel offered me this illustration. Imagine that our hearts are pierced each time we are hurt, disappointed, or angered, which leaves a hole that needs to be filled. If this hole is not filled with God’s love and healing, other things like bitterness and sadness can seep in and eventually consume us from the inside out. That bitterness and sadness will also pour out of our lives, rather than the love that God intended. Pretty intense huh?
I’ve realized this month that I’ve built up a lot of walls to try and protect myself from getting hurt. I’ve often held back the true emotions that I felt in situations, for fear that once they were exposed it would be like a dam breaking; there’s no getting that piece of yourself back after it’s revealed. I thought that I was protecting myself by containing my heartache, but I was really crippling my ability to move forward in life. I’ve learned that it’s ok to be truly real with people. God is the only one that can put us back together when our life falls apart, but He can’t do that until we let go of trying to control everything and give Him all of the pieces.
I often find myself comparing my relationship with God to those of this world. It’s hard to be vulnerable with God and trust that He has our best intentions at heart when many worldly relationships are based on insincerety.
I arrived in the Dominican Republic yesterday. Haiti was a month of a lot of self-reflection for me. I’m thankful for the things that God is continuing to teach me about myself. There are still many things to write about how God worked in Haiti, which I will post at a later time. Thank you for your continued prayers and support! Love and miss you all!
