“If I were truly filled with God’s perfect agape love, and if I could live that love out in every moment of my life, I wouldn’t need any other commandments written down, because I’d be automatically doing all the right things.” – Justin Lee
I laid down on the ledge overlooking the ends of the earth. The wind was blowing full force, the sky was crystal clear, and the ocean went on for what seemed like forever. Cape Point, South Africa….the furthest tip of Africa was where we were, and it was breathtaking.
While my team leader an I awaited for the team to return from the mountain we listened to worship music….and tears began to roll down my cheeks. This had been a common occurrence this month. I was an emotional roller coaster, and I was angry with God.
God had decided He was taking me down a path I thought I had already dealt with, and a path that I didn’t want to encounter again. And in that moment….laying on the ledge….I felt His love….His agape love for me.
The sky and the ocean went on forever….it was infinite. And I heard the Lord say to me, “Skylar, do you see the sky and the ocean? Do you see how they go on infinitely? Just like my love for you….it’s never ending….it’s infinite”. It was an overwhelming feeling. A feeling that made my heart swell to max capacity. For the first time I began to open my eyes for the love that God had for me. His unconditional, relentless, and overwhelming love….His agape love.
….then my worst nightmare happened.
It was about 4:00 am on Wednesday morning when I heard the most bone chilling scream of my life. A scream that still sends shivers down my spine and gives me goosebumps when I think about it. Panicked, my teammates and I sat up in our beds looking at each other. Initially, I thought a baboon had gotten in the house. I was wrong. I then heard, “EVERYBODY GET UP!!”….followed by, “WHO ARE YOU?!”. The was no baboon….there was someone in the house….someone that wasn’t a teammate. At the time I then thought there were multiple men in the house, and that they were attacking my teammates.
One teammate dove under my bed to hide, another ran out of the room to get the hockey stick in the kitchen, and I followed soon after. I got to the doorway, and there he was….the intruder. Standing parallel to me in the bathroom doorway was this guy….eyes wild and a knife in his hand. I had no idea what his next move would be, and I had no form of protection with me. I yelled that he had to leave, and that he had to go. He closed the door to the bathroom, and myself and another teammate bolted out the door to go get our contacts house for help. By the time we came back the guy was long gone.
Our contact told us to lock the door, and to just worship….because with the help of God he would find this guy before the sun rose. So that’s what we did. We poured our our hearts in song, prayer, and scripture for over an hour. Sure enough he found him, and myself and a few other girls went to the police station to identify him.
I looked him dead in the eyes and told him how I felt, what he had done, and how it had permanently damaged me. How I’m so fortunate to have a God that loves me so much that He forgives me on the regular, but that I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done to me….not yet anyway.
My anger towards God was starting to subside, and then this happened. I was so irritated that another thing was now added to the list of what I had to process….I didn’t even know where to begin. I felt guilty for being so angry, because I knew He was going to walk me through it. I’m sitting here angry at God, and He’s telling me it’s ok and that He’s here for me through it….it didn’t seem right. So I was told to just be honest with God….and that’s what I did.
Where were you when he was crawling through the window?
Where were you when fear took over my body?
Why did you let something like this happen?
Why couldn’t you have just given me a break?
….this went on for a while, and then He used my teammates blog to answer all these questions. Man is He fast.
That He was there for me the whole time.
He was waking up my teammate to use the restroom in order for the guy to get caught.
That He was putting up a shield between the intruder and each of us so we weren’t harmed.
That He was there making sure that things didn’t get worse.
And He’s here now….loving me unconditionally, relentlessly, selflessly, and with everything He has….His agape love.
I didn’t understand it before, but I’m beginning to understand it a little more every day. Through the good, the bad, and the very ugly….He loves me. No questions asked. Even when I’m so angry at Him I can’t stand it….God loves me. He loves me enough to pick me up and carry me through the mess….all while I’m kicking and screaming at Him. He loves me….the agape kind of love.
“He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because it’s in His nature.” – Graham Cooke
