It was about a month ago that I went to training camp. I went with a lot of things on my mind. My biggest concern was “Is this my time to go?” a question that I had been asking God for weeks leading up to training camp.
Pre-Training Camp Woes
· A few weeks before camp, my stepfather had gotten some bad news from the doctor. His health has been in decline the past few years and it looked like things were going to start getting a lot worse. This was a tremendous blow to my family. (It was only a little over a month before that my stepfather lost his sister to cancer; she was diagnosed and passed within about six weeks) At the time, my sister was literally days from moving clear across the country and I was preparing to leave for a year. Could this have occurred at a worse time? My mother told me that we weren’t going to live our lives any different just because of this news. We were to press on, trusting that the Lord would take care of us all. So with a heavy heart, I continued to go ahead with my plans.
· About a week and a half before training camp, I found out that my car needed a new oil pan. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but that costs a cool $500. Add that into the other repairs I’ve had to put into it in the last 10 months and we are at a grand total of $4,700. I know this may be hard to believe, but as a Youth Director I am not rolling in the dough. So putting any more money into that car is literally draining the life out of both me and my bank account. My first thought was, “Seriously God, are you trying to tell me something?”
·As I’ve said before in my blogs, I made a verbal commitment/promise to God not to go unless I had $6000. To some people that seemed like a lot… a lot of me to ask from God. Someone even suggested that I was limiting God by putting a dollar amount on my commitment to go. But in my mind, it was an acknowledgement that if this was His will, that He would provide me with those funds.
·Lastly, I realized that I never allowed God to pick the race I would go on. I picked October because it was the race that worked out best for me.
The Monday afternoon before I departed for camp five days later, I spent time in prayer and consolation, asking for guidance with the current situation. What did all these things that had happened in the last few weeks mean? I didn’t get anything from the Lord that day, but I decided if I was going to ask for a miracle, I was going to live my life as though one was on its way. So I began to prepare for camp. By Friday I thought, “There’s no turning back. I want this too bad. I’m going to camp and I pray that God shows up.”
Camp – The Lord showed up, only not how I expected
Upon arrival, I quickly began to meet some incredible people. Young people who truly have a heart for serving the Lord. How refreshing it was to be surrounded by so many people willing to live with a reckless abandonment for Him. It was an intense and amazing experience. The first night we committed to giving up all expectations to go on the race. Expectations of where we would go, who we would be with, how much contact we would have to those back home, etc. In the moment, I was absolutely committed, but as time went on I began to question things. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart thinking of my family. I talked to one of the trainers the next day; after all, if there is one thing that I’ve learned in the last few years, it’s how important it is to reach out to your brothers and sisters in Christ during your time of need. I told her what was going on and she suggested that it was the Devil who was using fear to hold me back from the Lord’s will. She then laid hands on me and prayed over me, praying that if it was fear of the unknown holding me back, the Lord would release me and provide comfort. That became my “Training Camp Prayer”.
Things were continuing to go well – worship was awesome and the messages being brought to us were encouraging, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. Several times I reached out to others to explain the uneasy feeling in my heart. They attempted to comfort and reassure me, committed to praying for me through my struggles.
Finally, on one afternoon, the message taught was realizing and acknowledging the burdens that hold us back from becoming the people Christ wants us to be. At the end we stood up and cried out for God to realize us from our burdens, proclaiming them out loud and releasing them. I prayed with everything I had, crying out that if this was God’s will, He would release my heavy heart and give me comfort. With arms lifted high and tears streaming down my face, I pleaded with the Lord for a blessing of reassurance. And in the moment I experience something I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE IN MY LIFE. Instead of my heavy heart being lifted, it sank. It was as if God had said, “This burden is here for a reason. It’s not your time.” I felt sick. Instead of being released, I was convicted. I was not at all prepared for this. I didn’t know what to do so I gave it some more time and thought to the situation and revelation. And as time passed by, I could hear the Lord repeating that to me over and over… “It’s not your time.”
At this point I had two options: I could push through it, ignoring God’s warnings, or surrender to His will. I surrendered in honesty to myself, knowing ignoring His warnings has gotten me nowhere thus far.
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
I came back and spoke with my pastor. I told him what had happened and that I still felt like God called me to the World Race for a reason; it just wasn’t my time yet. I was prepared to wait, for as long as it took… even if that meant years. But I was committed to waiting with purpose. I was going to start working on things that I realized at training camp I had been avoiding for years. I was going to go back to school (something I’ve said I was going to do ever since I got out). I had the next two years planned out. And maybe after all this it would be my time to go on the World Race.
Well a week later I got a phone called that changed all my plans. To make a VERY LONG story short, I was told that I had one week to commit a trip that would leave within the next year or I would no longer be allowed to pursue The World Race (thus forfeiting the $5,400 I had raised). I was devastated. This information was new to me and I felt like it came completely out of left field. I had convinced myself that I was not ready, my family needed me here, my youth group needed me here… I needed to be here.
The next day (Wednesday) I meet with my pastor again. He, like everyone else I had told about the situation, was concerned with the way things were being handled. He said that he would help me talk to the people at The World Race and see if there was any way I could get an “extension”. But first he wanted me to pray about it. So that’s what I did. I went into the dark sanctuary, kneeled at the altar rail and cried to the Lord, saying “I don’t like to limit you but this is not my limitation. I have a week. I need you to show up and tell me what to do.”
I went home and began looking at all the different race route. There were two leaving in January and returning in December, one leaving in July and returning in June and there was one more that was completely different. I remember getting an email or something when they announced it. The focus was on Human Trafficking. It leaves in January and returns in May. Immediately, I thought this could be an option. If I’m worried about leaving my family for so long this could be my solution.
The next day (Thursday) I was doing my normal thing at Open Door… answering phone, sorting the mail, calculating volunteer hours, etc. As I was literally walking out the door one of the ladies in the front office asked me how my trip was going. I told her briefly what was going on and that it looked like I might be going on a different World Race… perhaps one that was focused on Human Trafficking. She said that I should talk to Meg and Kim (two other women who work at Open Door) because Human Trafficking was their area of specialty. In fact they were preparing to teach a class on Human Trafficking for the United Methodist Women (UMW) on Saturday. I thought, “Wow, that’s really cool. I will talk to them. I wish I could go but I already have plans for Saturday.”
Three hours later, my plans for Saturday had been canceled. As I was driving home from the gym later that night I thought, “Maybe I should try to go to the UMW thing… I mean I am a member and I might be doing something in the near future with Human Trafficking. I should learn all I can.” I finally found Ms. Kim’s email addressed and emailed her late Thursday night. She gave me the name and contact number of the woman in charge. I spend the rest of the day Friday trying to get in touch with her. I had pretty much given up hope when it was 6pm the day before and she hadn’t returned my calls or email. But 6:15pm rolled around and I got a phone call. I told the lady in charge that I was interested in attending the Social Justice seminar and she said that the last day to register was Tuesday (major disappointment) but she said she would make an acception and let me go ahead and register and pay her at the door the next day (super excitement). I could hardly sleep that night. I kept thinking, “This is so weird, Lord. They way you’ve lined everything up. Some people would call it a coincidence but I know that it’s You.”
I got in my car Saturday morning and headed to Albany. I got there and went inside and my first thought was, “Why did I think that it would not be awkward for me to be here? I don’t know anyone. I should have brought someone with me.” I went to the bathroom before trying to find a seat and said a short prayer, “Dear Lord, let me find somewhere to sit and let this not be the most awkward experience of my life. Amen.” I came out of the bathroom, found a table and introduced myself. One of the ladies at the table said, “I know you. I’ve seen you at the Spiritual Growth Conference , the School of Christian Missions and I called you a few weeks ago to help me out with the Missions Rally at the end of the month. It’s nice to officially meet you.” (Once again this was God, out of 30 tables full of women I picked the one where I did know somebody. Thank you, Lord.) Another lady at the table greeted me very warmly and said, “It’s so nice to see someone so young here.” To which I replied, “I’m not that young.” And she said, “Have you looked around?” LOL (For those of you who don’t know anything about the UMW it is predominately made up of 60 year old women. There are a few 50 year olds, even less 40 year olds and no one else younger than that… besides me.)
I went to the Human Trafficking class and I learned a ton of information. I didn’t realize that Atlanta was such a hot spot for minors to be sold for sex. On an average weekend somewhere between 100-150 underage girls are raped for profit IN ATANTLA ALONE! At the end of the class the women began to talk. One of them said, “This is an important issue. We learned about it a few years back but what have we done? We need someone within the UMW to be an advocate for Human Trafficking.” I was like, “You’re right, we do! (Turning my back to walk out with everyone else) I’ll see y’all later. I’m super exhausted and I have a two hour drive home. Bye.” LOL, I kid. But seriously I didn’t put two and two together just yet.
As I was driving home I began to reflect on the day. How perfectly things lined up for me to be there. How welcoming, warm and inviting everyone was. How on the outside it doesn’t look like I fit in/belong to the UMW but how on the inside I do. How I want to continue to be part of use an awesome organization and try to give back to them as much as they’ve given to me. I thought about what the lady in our class had said, “…we need an advocate…. someone inside the United Methodist Women”. WAIT A MINUTE! Is this me? Is this what I’m supposed to do, Lord? I was quickly overwhelmed by the revelation that this is what the Lord was calling me to do! Words cannot explain what I was felling at this moment and the lack of words lead to tears. I began to cry, which is such a girly thing but also such a relieving thing. I let it all out.
I realized that I had felt betrayed/upset/crazy/confused/angry by what happened at training camp. I had committed to doing God’s will (whatever that was). He led me to The World Race and I felt like when the moment of truth came, He turned His back on me. I felt like it was the Peace Corps all over again. But in this moment, in my car, I realized that He hadn’t turned His back on me at all. I hadn’t misread all the signs. He did have a purpose for me and it’s bigger and better than anything I can comprehend or plan for myself.
“God starts no work that He doesn’t plan to finish.” 1 John 5:14
So now I’m going on the World Race: Human Trafficking Edition. 4 months, 4 countries. Thailand, Cambodia, India and the United States. I leave January and will return in May. I need $7,300 + airfare to our starting point +airfare from our ending point+ insurance + shots+ spending money+ gear. I’m excited and I’m trying to learn as much as I can about Human Trafficking before I go. I want to be as prepared as best I can be. Human Trafficking isn’t the feel good mission work you do for a week during Spring Break. It’s a heartbreaking ministry to people (men, women and children) who’ve experience things we can’t even imagine. This is the first time the World Race has sent a team out solely for the purpose of reaching those whose lives have been affected by human trafficking. I ask that pray for me, my team and the people whose lives we hope to touch.
Click here for the details of my new trip
Here is the video we watched at the Social Justice Seminar, in the Human Trafficking class. It’s short but extremely powerful.
