Ok, you folks surely know by now that I struggle with pride issues. Everyday it seems God is working this out of me in the gentlest, yet firmest, of ways. This month I find myself struggling with feeling unappreciated, used, and generally overlooked by our host. In a missions context, where I am literally serving people because God wants me to, the truth is that I should not look for approval or positive reciprocity except from God. This far into the race, though, there has always been someone there to tell us how much they appreciate us taking a year out of our lives to come serve them, which does feel good to hear, but all I want to know is that they *see* me. This month, I don’t feel seen at all. I don’t [think I] work for the approval of man, yet somewhere in my mind the thought of the $5000 I personally donated to take this journey floats around making it difficult for me to take some things in the stride. I need not mention the struggle of fundraising. I want people to recognize the weight of sacrifices I made to be here. I want them to take into account the loved ones I am missing terribly and a whole years worth of income I will never see again. I want this not so that they can say how awesome of a person I am. Honestly, I could do without the pride stroke. I simply want them to see me as a person and not just a free pair of hands. As far as God is concerned, I AM a free pair of hands, though He sees my heart as well. That heart is equipped, ready, and willing to listen, encourage, pray, support, and empower people to reach deeper depths in ministry and with God. That heart also struggles with things and needs help along the way. That heart yearns for relationships in which all are mutually valued. Whether people engage that part of who I am is their choice, but when they don’t I end up feeling used up. This has been my struggle.
But alas, God wouldn’t leave me there. Today He spoke to me a great truth which might help so many people should they read this blog. He said, simply, that to struggle is not a negative thing if one struggles before God. I got to thinking about that, and came to a few conclusions. Number one: Jacob struggled *with* God, and was blessed because of it. Moses struggled with God as he walked the wayward and stubborn Israelites to the promised land, and is seen as one of the great men of the Bible. He basically told God, and I paraphrase, “These are your people, did you really just give them to me to lead so that you could wipe them out?” How many Bible greats do we see struggling before God with all manner of things, only to have Him walk them yet into victory? Names come to mind like Peter, David, Joshua, Gideon, Paul, and many more. Struggle does not appear to be an enemy of ours. Judging by the huge difference between our hearts and the heart of God, one might be justified in saying that to struggle is, indeed, integral to the business of becoming like Christ. God does not hold our struggle against us when we keep Him in the loop, as His grace is already enough. Like a father fondly watching his child trying on one of his own sweaters, the arms too long and their body too small to fill out the torso, God is honored and pleased when we struggle before Him. We are, in those moments, struggling to walk in the truth of who we are as the people of His kingdom; sojourners headed home. That is who we truly are, and learning to walk like that looks a lot like half dragging, half crawling, sometimes running, and not seldom falling flat on one’s face. There is no shame in that, we are as children before a loving God who is our father. There is no reason to feel guilty, though conviction should thrust us back into the presence of God for renewal and guidance. There is no room for fear in this kind of relationship because God is ultimately a God of Love and His perfect Love casts out all fear. We should live in this Love, which burns like a refiner’s fire and soothes like a balm. We should drink deep of its waters and find peace in long moments sinking deeper into its depths. Sure, that sounds all poetic and stuff, but practically speaking, here is the clincher. Number two: Jesus said His yoke is easy and His burden is light, not that there is no burden to carry. Our burden is faith. We must trust wholeheartedly that God has brought us into perfect relationship with Himself again by the power of Jesus’s blood. In that relationship, we must continuously walk before God in trust that He will bring us to and through every obstacle of our lives in a way which makes us more Christlike. He is working every single thing to our good and His glory. This is our cross and our burden, and given our fallen, yet forgiven state, a struggle is to be expected on more than a few occasions. I must reiterate: To struggle in this world is simply to live, but to struggle before God is to be blessed in life. Nobody became perfect after achieving salvation, only they were accepted by the merit of Jesus’s blood. Next on God’s agenda is conforming us to the image of Jesus, His very own heart. This is our beautiful burden.
If you find yourself struggling with anything these days, take some time to discern if you have been simply struggling, or struggling before God. Have you sincerely brought your struggle before the Father, who loves you? Are you angry with Him, because He can handle your ire. Are you afraid, because He has gifted you His perfect love which casts out fear. Are you ashamed, because He has paved a way through guilt and shame called Grace, and nothing can separate you from His love. He is near and waiting for each one of us to carry the burden of simply believing that He is trustworthy and asking for His help. Wont you join me in taking our cares to His throne room and leaving them there? We were made to live with only one burden which makes every other burden life might try to wrangle us with feel as light as a feather; believing that God is faithful and living accordingly. That is the kind of life I want, and the kind of life I choose to live from now on. Even if that is a struggle, it shall be a struggle I live humbly before God, the Father who loves me and is ever faithful.
I am still about $2600 short of being fully funded. If you feel so inclined, you can donate through the links at the top and the left of this post. Thank you all, and leave me some love in the comments if you got this far!
