In my last blog I spoke about realizing that I am nobody. Nobody but God’s. I am learning what it means to belong to Him, and that my true identity is found in my relation to Him alone, not in my striving or posturing to be, appear, or even feel worthy. For someone like me, a worrier, a recovering people pleaser, and struggler with pride, this is a difficult transition. So often I find my pride being prodded in the mission field, and I catch myself defending that pathetic version of myself who truly doesn’t exist, like a dog returning to his vomit. I must remind myself constantly that I am a son of the King, not the king himself, therefore I can skip all the drama of posturing and pretense. I have to tell my soul, which squirms so pitifully with concern at being accosted, that my very existence as a son of that Most High God defends my worth by definition.
Although I began writing this blog over a month and a half ago, this struggle is very much alive in my life. This month, month 8, has been the month of my wall; that dreadful month where the lesson you learn is a long and difficult one and your knees begin to buckle under the pressure. The month of crisis. I am learning that my approach to everyone should not be how they are or are not a danger or benefit to me, but how I can be a blessing to them, leaving my safety up to the true King, of whom I am an ambassador. The more I learn on this journey, the more the life of a martyr comes into focus as possible, and even probable in some cases, for the dedicated follower of Christ. They are people who are so in love with my Lord and King that they trust Him to determine when and where they leave this world in His service. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t aspire to be martyred. That would defeat the purpose of a life of service, but if it were to happen then tragedy I would not call it. Of course people would be hurt and miss me, but the victory I experienced to be in that position in the first place is something to celebrate, as is arrival to where I know myself to be headed.
The more I live this life with God, the more He whispers to me the blood, bones, and flesh of all of the things I felt were shallow about the Christian life. In the church we talk a lot about Heaven, victory, faith, purity, sin, grace, atonement, love, and forgiveness, among many other things. Before, they were just words and ideas, and though they depended on and revolved around His name, they were devoid of the fulness of Jesus. I knew them in a shallow, surface way which depended mostly on my head, but life with God actually fleshes these things out in a deeper way with the heart. It’s like I started a race I could never finish from the finish line. I was busy running towards the starting line screaming “I won, I won!” all the while feeling something wasn’t quite right because I never actually ran the race. In reality, Jesus ran the race in my place when He died on the cross. Then he came back to the starting line and all He wants is me to accept victory while actually walking out the salvation that He has provided; the finishing of the race. He loves me, and He wants to take this journey with me. The citizens of the heavens and earth are the audience who get to see the awesome work of God in my life, to His glory. My fellow runners are no longer competition to struggle against, but comrades to run with. He has secured my place in life, death, and eternity. He has etched in His palm my identity, my purpose, and my name. The realization and acceptance of these things come about during the journey to the finish line, but the race is, indeed, finished! So I am content and fulfilled in the task of becoming nobody, nobody but God’s, and there is no better way to be in this life.
Here in the start of month 9, I find myself $3000 short of my fundraising goal. To make this work, I need to raise $1000 each month. Please consider donating to help me reach this goal. Thank you to those who have already donated. You all make it possible for me to take this incredible journey and learn all of these things. I pray that my testimonies have been a blessing to you as your help has been to me. Be blessed.
