If you have followed my blog for a bit, you may remember how I struggled with identity through my time in Asia. All of the eyes on me constantly, the reactions to my presence ranging from fear, to amazement, to curiosity. In that time, the Lord really worked on my understanding of what being a son of God really means. These days in Africa I find myself going through a similar struggle, although the people here look a lot more like me. I still stick out, but not because of me. My current regular companions are white people, particularly females. Please hear me out. In South Africa and the surrounding areas, because of the lingering effects of apartheid, white people have an elevated status by default. While black people are free, like every other person, there are still blatant traces of inequality and a inferiority/superiority complex among the people. This is why, I believe, I find myself stared at constantly by the local black people. Sometimes it is with double takes and incredulity, as if they are at a loss to figure out how someone like me gets to deal so closely with so many of my fair-skinned company. I will give an example. After eating a meal together, I treated one of said squad mates to a cupcake at a bakery in Durban, South Africa. While I ordered and paid for everything, the waitress directed all of her comments and attention to my friend as if she was the one that had to be pleased, not me. She never even met my eyes. Small thing? Maybe, but this is just one of the small things which have set me on edge since we arrived in Africa. So where is God in all of this, you might be wondering? Well, in our previous month in Lesotho, a country found inside South Africa, He spoke to me clearly about that.
My squad mates and I had taken to frequenting a certain store owned by a man from Pakistan. Every time we walked in he would have smiles, greetings, personal conversation, and sometimes free things for my squad mates, but I didn’t get anything but the total for the items I was purchasing. In my thought life, my flesh began to say “I am not a local, I need to be treated with respect!” I started to get bitter, until one day it happened that I was one of the first to check out, and I stood at the door watching as my squad mates checked out and got smiles and all of the special treatment which I was deprived of. At that moment another Pakistani man guarding the door began staring me up and down with a judging look on his face. When I looked him in the eye, he turned to the other Pakistani workers nearby and said something in their language and began laughing while looking at me. They, to my chagrin, replied while looking at me, and laughed in my face. I felt humiliated, and unfairly judged and treated as if I were “some local” (YES, I thought that ridiculous, unfortunate thought!!!) and that is when I heard the Lord say to me “Who are you?” For a second I thought, and then I replied “I am nobody. Nobody but Yours.” What He wanted me to see is that the person’s pride I had been defending with all of my angst at being stared at, talked about, and ignored, was the false identity He has been separating me from since this year began. I was defending the proud black man who struggles with shame, the smart man who feels inferior, the handsome man who thinks he is undesirable, the man of self-made worth who feels worthless. This was the identity I had formed through all of my years of trying NOT to be broken or the object of scorn. I was defending the pride of my flesh, when God wanted me to see that my worth was so much more, and that by the sheer weight of the title “son of God”, my worth and worthiness was already set in stone. I no longer have to defend my pride. God has claimed me as His own; a son, an heir, a priest in a royal priesthood, a saint, and a conqueror. What others say and do cannot change that fact. When gossipers gossip, mockers mock, and haters hate, these things need never bother me because I am hidden with Christ in God. My place in life, and in the Kingdom of God which supersedes every other kingdom, is eternally assured!
Other people don’t need to know or acknowledge my identity. As long as I know it, I can walk in the freedom and authority which it brings, but as long as I continue to operate in defense of an identity which no longer truly identifies me, I will suffer from its failings and walk in its weakness. In my false identity, I defend myself with pride-filled words which lie, break others down, or is constantly focused on keeping my ego safe. In my true identity in Christ, God defends me while I am set free to love even the people who attack me. In my false identity, there is no real way to be sure I am okay, or worth anything, but as long as I can fool other people into thinking so, I am safe. In my true identity, God constantly assures me of my worth by reminding me of who He is and who I am in Him, which allows me to freely serve others without hiding my faults. In my false identity, all of my energies are focused on keeping my kingdom from falling down around me, and they are constantly in the wane. In my true identity as a son of the Most High God, all of my energies are daily renewed and focused on seeing a greater, immovable Kingdom come of which I am forever an heir. I don’t need, or truly even want to be the king. Instead, I can rest in the fact that everything I need is found in the presence of my Savior. I am no longer of this world. I am, indeed, not a local.
In other news, the deadline for fundraising has passed and I am still $3602 short, but have been given a grace period to finish. If you wish to help out, follow the link on the left or top of my blog to go to an official donation page. Thank you for your support!
