Because God is my Father, my best friend, my husband, and my rock, I choose to celebrate with Him. Something He is showing me this season is that He deeply cares about my flesh. He does not want me to feel guilt about the desires of my heart, even if they seem stupid. For so long I put God in this box of “inner beauty is more important than outer beauty” but truthfully He cares about my outward beauty just as much.
One of the things AIM warns us ladies about when we sign up for the World Race is weight gain, which does happen. We have little to no control over what we are eating and for those of us who have struggled with eating disorders their whole lives, it can be terrifying.
I want to write this blog to the future racers like me who are nervous about the weight control issue and say, it is possible to gain weight on the race, but it is not indefinite.
MY CHILDHOOD
When I was eight I was already over 5 feet tall and on top of that, I was curvy. I was often referred to as the BFG (Big Friendly Giant) and every time I moved to a new school (about every 2-3 years) the kids would ask if I was their teacher.
I tried to fit in with my peers by dressing the way they dressed. I was too young to realize that I couldn’t wear the same things as my girl friends who were not “developed” like me. I also grew so fast that my shirts would get short and tight after wearing them for only a month or so. Living in a conservative Mormon community and growing up in a conservative Christian home, I constantly heard that my body was a temple and I was not honoring God with it.
The combination of me feeling fat because I grew out of things so fast, and feeling promiscuous for showing skin, resulted in my choosing to be repulsed by my body.
Unfortunately, there were periods growing up where I decided to stop eating or to purge. As an adult I had some days where these sins haunted me, but I no longer gave into them.
RIGHT BEFORE THE RACE
After high school I started to gain about five pounds every year and I still don’t know why it happened. My life revolved around trying to maintain a lean-muscular figure. I was working out hard almost everyday and, although I would still go out to eat with my friends every now and then, the meals I made at home were clean. When a new diet or exercise plan wouldn’t work I would try something different or seek advice from someone who knew more than I did, but nothing ever changed. I even went to the doctor to see if something was wrong and… nothing!
I had a good body and I knew that. It wasn’t even the “I could run and dance and move around” kind of good body. I was genuinely very attractive and I knew that. My frustration was that I worked so hard for four long years and I couldn’t look the way I wanted to.
Because of my struggles in the past I realized that I couldn’t remember a single day since I was a child where I did not live for losing weight. I eventually started to feel ashamed because I just wanted to live for Jesus, but this unfulfilled desire became too consuming. I felt trapped and like I was letting God down.
THE WORLD RACE
I came into the Race prepared to gain even more weight than I already had, but somehow the opposite happened.
We don’t consume foods that have a lot of nutritional value and I’ve eaten more empty carbs and sugars today than I probably did in a month back home. I have kept myself from snacking when it’s unnecessary and I try to workout as hard as I can (the heat and humidity and living conditions can make this hard), but other than that I really haven’t done much.
I know that right now I am not nearly as healthy as I was at home, my muscles are gone and I’m not “fit” like I used to be. But I am content with how my body looks now and that is something I NEVER thought I would say, especially on the World Race.
FOR FUTURE RACERS
If I had gained instead of lost weight on the race I would have thanked God for my healthy body, but honestly in that thankfulness it would have been really HARD and there would have been tears.
For my sisters who struggle with body image, whether you can’t lose weight, can’t gain weight, or even just can’t be able to see how people see your body as lovely, I am SO sorry you are going through that. It is not something small or insignificant, it is very frustrating. I have been there before and I will be there again sometime in my life.
Take it to Jesus. Don’t feel bad about complaining to Him even though He is your designer. Get angry, throw stuff, cry, express whatever you need to express to Him. He wants to hear from you.
I didn’t realize it until now, but Jesus was sweating, squatting, running and meal prepping by my side. He felt my frustration!
And because of that, now He feels my joy.
I am entering a season where my seemingly impossible desire happened, and I am going to celebrate with Jesus, as silly as it seems.
From the dust He intricately created mountains and trees and oceans and music so stunningly. He made Himself so beautiful that we aren’t able to look at His face.
If He loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us, that means He loves us more than He loves His own son. He loves us more than He loves Himself. If He delights in His own outward beauty, don’t you think He delights even more when we feel outwardly beautiful?
There was one night when I wore a new dress I felt pretty in. I did my make up and brushed my hair for the first time in weeks. We worshipped God that night by putting in our headphones and singing along with songs on our iPods. Trust me, we all sounded absolutely terrible and I’m surprised the people at our hostel didn’t clear out.
But that night I felt more beautiful than ever, not because of my new size but because I no longer felt the need to loose weight so I no longer felt the SHAME of WANTING to loose weight. For the first time, I was FREE to worship Him and not have any thoughts about what I ate that day enter my mind.
And as I was shouting out praises to the Lord my logical mind’s knowledge that “God sees me as more beautiful than all creation” came to life. I actually felt in my heart and knew with an intimate knowledge that I am the most radiant, lovely piece of creation that God created and His eyes behold.
