This past month in Malawi God rocked my world…. I can’t even really put into words all the craziness that He did in me. How much CRAP He dug out of my heart. Its amazing. here I thought I was all pretty and white. And for the first time I saw how dirty I really was.
He showed me how insignificant I am.
He showed me how He doesn’t need me.
Man… It sounds kind of harsh, but its the truth. I am nothing without Him. I can do no good without Him. Without Him I am filthy and filled with selfish desires. But He makes me clean. Only through Him am I white as snow. Only through Him.
Our contact last month asked us to take some time and look into our lives to see if there was anything that needed confession. In my arrogance I thought that comment was directed at the others in our group of 50 people that all lived at Zehandi Missions.
“I wonder which people here need to confess something??”
Not ever thinking that it might be me that needed to dig deep and confess some crap that I had hidden in my heart. Until one night during a time with my team, my team leader posed the same question that I had and admitted that he had a lot of pride in his life. As he spoke those words conviction hit me hard.
Over the next few days God brought to light so many things that I had in my heart that weren’t of Him. He showed me that I had a lot of pride, arrogance and entitlement in my life. All the gifts that He had given me I had taken as my own. Every time I used the wisdom He gave me to help someone understand something or the gift of prophecy He has given me to speak over someone or even quoting scripture, I was accepting peoples praises as if I had come up with these things on my own.
The gifts He had given me, that only existed because He gave them to me, I was abusing.
I was taking the things He had given me and claiming them as my own. And pride and arrogance was gripping my heart.
Some how I had made myself into a “super Christian”. God showed me that I thought that I was better then other Christians… And I hated myself for it. When He pointed that out to me my heart cringed.
How could I be so dirty??
How could I take the things that God had given me and abuse them??
I was nothing without Him.
When He showed me these things He asked me to be silent for a few days and let other people talk. Even if I had the solution. Even if I had wisdom and insight to offer. It wasn’t my job to give it to them. His voice was clear. I was to humble myself to Him.
Be silent.
He didn’t need me to speak these truths. If He wanted to teach something to someone I didn’t have the almighty wisdom they needed to change their life. God did. And He could get it to them. He didn’t need me.
There were times that I felt I had missed my opportunity to help someone. “I didn’t tell them this truth they wanted to hear! Now how will they ever find it???”
How arrogant is that?! How dare I feel that I was the only way that someone would find what they needed? How could I be that arrogant to say that if I didn’t speak the wisdom into their lives that they would never hear what they needed??
Man I am so small.
But God changed my prayers. After I saw these things in my heart I pleaded with God.
“I don’t want to speak unless you want me to. I don’t want to move unless you tell me to.”
And He answered that prayer. There were times when He told me to open my mouth and I had no idea what was going to come out. But when I did, new wisdom and prophecy poured out. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it wasn’t me. Because seconds before I had no idea what to say. And thats when I felt God could really use me. When I put myself aside and said,
“You can use my mouth. I will be a vessel.”
Man did God show up…. Things came out of me that I could never imagine.
My prayers were more real.
Prophecy was just coming out right and left, to the point I didn’t know I was doing it. People had to tell me that I had just spoken out prophetically.
God was speaking to me more clearly then He ever had before and I could feel His presence close to me at every moment. I felt like I could burst out in tongues at any moment because I was so filled with the Spirit.
I never knew that a kind of relationship with Him like this existed… I felt so close to Him. And I could hear Him like He was standing right next to me. Moving with Him was easy.
I never want to go back to the way it was before again. Life like this is too wonderful. Breathing as He breaths next to me is too sweet.
I want to be Yours for the rest of my life. I never want to spend a day away from you. You are beautiful and so precious to me. How did I ever deserve Your love?? It blows my mind that you would love me like you do. I will never understand why you seek me over and over again even when I find other things to fix my attention and affections on. I am unworthy of the unfailing love you give to me. But I am so thankful you chose to give it to me. You are so beautiful. Thank you Jesus. I love you.
