*The following post was written on Christmas Eve. I hesitated to share it because it kind of seemed more like a journal entry than a blog post. But I had to remind myself that this blog cannot be a place of daisies and daffodils because that is not a true representation of life. Life is more like roses – pretty flowers that contain some thorns. After all, one of my goals for this experience is to be more honest with myself and those around me. So here goes…
7 Nieces and Nephews, 3 Godchildren, 2 Parents, 2 Siblings (and their significant others), 4 Cousins (plus their significant others and children), 2 Aunts, 3 Uncles, 1 Granddaddy, 1 Grandmother, 1 Dog… and so on and so forth. This is going to be an interesting Christmas! Maybe the most interesting one to date for me. It would be so nice to spend Christmas day with all of them in the same spot, but that’s just not how things will be. The reality is that we live in a broken world, a place where families no longer come together and STAY together as they used to. It’s not the way He created it to be. Yet, it’s still a beautiful thing that I cherish.
The last few Christmases have been difficult for me because a few big changes occurred – divorce, death, shifts in relationships, etc. – but this year is particularly bittersweet. You see, I find myself welcoming new family members, learning new names and personalities, realizing that change really has taken place and there’s nothing I can do about it but accept it and move forward positively. Despite the challenges, I am SO excited about it! A new brother and sister, 3 new nieces, and 2 new nephews! Who knew that God would bless our family so?!! Yet, in the midst of the joy of new relationships, happy little feet running through the houses, squeals of excitement, laughter, games, dancing, and singing there is a profound sadness and uncertainty that threaten to overwhelm me. The sadness and uncertainty come from the understanding that in just over 6 months I will be leaving this big family of mine, and all my friends, for 11 months. Yes, I’m going to travel the world, get to know Jesus at an even deeper level, and introduce Him to countless people in 11 different countries BUT… But what will happen to the relationships I have here in the USA? Will they be strengthened or pulled apart? Will people even think of me? Will they miss me? Will we email, FaceTime, or Skype… each other? Will I feel their love and prayers from hundreds of thousands of miles away, and vice versa? When birthdays, weddings, holidays, and other family gatherings come around will I be able to participate in some way? Or even be notified?
I guess I’ve lived 3 car hours away from home so long that I’ve already missed so much and sometimes feel disconnected and left out so I worry if I’ll be forgotten. I wonder if they’ll wish I was there to celebrate/grieve with them. If they will share things with me or try to shelter me from the hard stuff since I’ll be 15+ hours away… by plane. Is it selfish of me to think this way? How do they feel about me being away, often times unreachable, for 325 days?
What about Abram (Abraham)? How did he feel when God instructed him to leave his country, people, and family (Gen. 12:1)? He had no idea where God was sending him! Or Jonah when God sent him to the city of the Nineveh, a place full of wickedness (Jonah 1)? How about when Lot acted out of obedience and lost his wife in the process (Gen. 19)? At least I know the countries that the Lord is sending me to. At least I will be meeting other groups of believers in the midst of the unbelief and evil. At least I’m not leaving behind a husband. Right??? And I’m only going for 11 months. Jesus left his heavenly throne for more than 30 years to minister to and save a people that would beat, pierce, hang, and kill Him on a cross like a common criminal. He knew that in advance, yet He still came. So, like Abraham, Jonah, Lot, and Christ, I have to trust the Father who sends me, walk in the purpose He’s set for me, and believe that He will use this time to enrich my current relationships, reveal those that need to be let go of, and embrace the ones that are being formed even now in preparation for the mission.
So, this Christmas I will cherish each and every moment I have with my family and friends, and “… not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:34) I will be sure to hug them a little tighter, say “I love you” a little more, smile a bit brighter, thank them for being a part of my story, and celebrate the true reason for the season – the birth of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
To my current family – I LOVE YOU SOOOOO VERY MUCH A BUNCHES!!!
To my World Race family – YOU LADIES ARE AMAZING!!! I’m growing to love you and I can’t wait to meet you in person!
To everyone – MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
