"so likewise whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be my disciple"
Lately I have found myself wondering why my life looks the way it does. I mean it doesn't look anything like I thought it would or even like I wanted it to originally.
When I was younger I thought I would be married by 24, have a few children and live this wonderful safe life with my husband in a nice house with a nice job and nice friends and go to a nice church… I thought it would be the perfect life. I admit I didn't know what all the "perfect life" included but I was sure it would be wonderful and it was what I wanted.
Things change… and honestly I'm glad they did!
Picture of me and my team with our translator Samuel on one of our many hike through the Himalayas.
I'm now 30 (well, in less than a month I will be) No husband, no kids, no house and I just left all the "safety" I knew to travel around the world for a year doing who knows what kind of ministry each month. Living in countries I either had never heard of or never dreamed I would visit. I sit in church services given in different languages, I eat food I have never tried before (and some I don't care to ever have again!) I drive hours on end or hike hours up a mountain to sit with people who are destitute by the worlds standards but are so rich in the love of God… and I learn so many lessons from them.
Life didn't turn out like I originally planned.
I adjusted to this life and really loved it. But then somewhere along the way expectations began to creep in. I was quite unaware of them until they began to be unmet. Frustration came. Where was the fruit of the ministry the Lord had called me to? Why did it not look like I had thought it would? Why didn't I always FEEL his presence? Why didn't it happen in the time frame I expected? Why was I not as bold and confident as I needed to be to live this life? Why didn't I always see the visible difference? Why didn't I have it all together all the time?
Again…things aren't like I thought they would be.
Ministry isn't glamorous. I feel dirty and smelly most the time. I walk through cow manure and chicken poop more days than not. Some days I'm short with my teammates. Some days I'm angry for no good reason. Power and toilet paper are luxuries. I fall asleep to bugs crawling on me. I find worms in my water bottle that have been living in there for who knows how long. And some days I spend more time going to and from ministry than actually ministering. But more than all of that, I have prayed for healing and not seen it. I have given sermons and shared the gospel and I haven't seen anyone make a decision to trust Christ. Most days I don't see the visible fruit of our ministry. I feel weak and desperately in need of my Savior. Somewhere along the way I had come to believe people that lived this life had it all together and that their life definitely looked different than this. I don't have it all together.
Once again… things didn't look like I expected.
Then the Lord brought this verse in Luke to my mind. I must forsake all to be His disciple. That includes my expectations. It includes what I thought my life would look like. It includes my desire for safety and security and to be in control and to know the big picture. If I want to be His disciple I have to trust Him completely. Even when things don't make sense. Even when they are the opposite of what I would have chosen. And this isn't some "woe is shelley, my life is so miserable" story, Because its not. Because being His disciple means the promise of abundant life instead of death, joy in the midst of pain, perseverance where there was normally frustration, trust instead of fear and love beyond description.
My life might not look like I thought it would… but this journey of learning to trust the Father's heart is more than worth it. So I will continue to ask for the gifts of the spirit. I will continue to pray for healing in the people we minister to. I will continue to speak the truth to others. And I will continue to pour out the Love the Father has so graciously poured out on me.
