I woke up this morning still unsettled from the day before.
Yesterday was our first full day of ministry. We headed out at 1030am and traveled to 3 different villages doing 2 church services, praying over the people there at each one and then ending the day by going house to house praying and didn't return home until 11pm. I came to India with some expectations that I didn't realize until today. I think I expected it to "feel" different. I expected to see change and healing. This didn't happen. I felt like I failed. I was a huge mix of emotions all day and that carried over until this morning so I took out my ipod hoping for a song of refuge and refreshment. "all i need to do is worship" came on. It washed over me like a refreshing rain. I just sat there and cried as I listened to it.
All i need to do is say your name out loud.
All I need to do is surrender and bow down.
All I need to do is find you.
All i need to do is let your glory fall.
All i need to do is worship.
Worship the Lord."
Lord my life is worship. My attitude is worship. The way I interact with others is worship. My prayers are worship. My singing is worship. Romans 12 says "I beseech you therefore brethren by the mercy of God that you present you bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to the Lord. This is your reasonable act of service (worship)" I can already see that this month is going to be a month of learning what it means to be a living sacrifice. Lord give me your strength for this. I am most aware today of my utter need of you. I don't "feel" like I have anything to give these people. Lord take me to your secret place and fill me up, so that I can continue to overflow with your spirit and not my flesh.
As I processed my thoughts this morning I realized I feel the weight of expectation on me. Whether is was from others or just from me i'm not really sure. Maybe both. As we went to each village yesterday and prayed over people I felt this need to preform. To provide what they asked. Like it was in my control. I wanted these people to be healed and for God to be glorified but even more than that I felt like it was up to me almost. Like these people might not receive healing because I didn't pray in the right way or because I wasn't full enough of the spirit. I came expecting to see the Spirit move through us but I expected it to look like I thought it would. And when it didn't I felt like I had failed. God doesn't work on my terms. So when "all I need to do is worship" came on this morning it was a wonderful reminder that all I can do is live a life of worship and leave the rest up to the Lord.
" I came here to lose myself. To give all I am away. I'm offering all I have to give oh Lord. and I will take nothing but You. Take me into your presence. Into Your glory. I am surrendered to you. there you can change me and rearrange me. I NEED You. Oh I need you Lord." (BJ Putnam)
Fill me supernaturally Lord. With your presence and strength and love and grace.
