I don’t want to be here anymore

For the last several months I have been preparing to embark on the world race.  I've been excited.  I've followed blogs and read stories and packed and spent time with friends and told them why I'm going and why I'm excited and until today I felt ready.  I felt like I was made for this.  I felt like I had it all together and like I was prepared.  I felt like I was completely cut out for the race.  Today, however,  I realized I'm not!  

I arrived in D.C. today.  "The World Race" has officially started, and it has been harder than I ever imagined.  I couldn't prepare for what I felt today.  Maybe its the limbo I feel of not yet completely leaving and not yet fully on my "journey" either.  Maybe its the loss of some dear people and relationships for the next year.  Maybe its the unknown that lies ahead.  Maybe…. its all of these things together.

Since 11 months ago when I signed up for this journey I think I have had on these blinders, focusing on the adventure and the community and the ministry and the people and the new experience.  Today all the spaces in between those things began to fill in.  It felt almost like a heaviness or a fog.  Reality started to set in.  But as I step out in faith, as I walk out what I've been saying all along, as I walk this path of trust (and I mean really living it out like where it went from just an idea or a nice churchy phrase to an unavoidable, full blown reality today) I know the fog will eventually begin to clear,  but today I don't really want to be here anymore.

I don't want to be here where I have to leave a life that I loved.

I don't want to be here in this in between place where I'm not fully gone, but not at home.

I don't want to be here waiting.

I don't want to be here in this place of burial, dying to what I know and feel comfortable with.

I don't want to be here in the land of the unknown.