After deciding to accept the WR acceptance, there was a since of purpose, joy, and peace. I was excited about everything. After typing, retyping, and several editing’s of my fundraising letter, stuffing my envelopes, putting labels on and driving them to the post office, fear set in.
Now, I spell it F E A R. It could also be spelled SATAN. Can you believe he, the devil, would try and come into all this goodness that is about to take place. But yes, Satan grabbed me so darn tight, I didn’t want to let him let go. It was “easier” to let fear grip me than to continue on doing what I truly feel called to do for God but also myself and the numerous people in my life. The number of lives that get to be impacted positively through this experience goes beyond the immediate contacts made in each country. It reaches out to their social groups, my social groups in the USA, my family, their friends, my community, and hopefully even more than I can imagine at this time. Now, with one person having the potential to connect and show Christ’s love to that many people it is no wonder that SATAN tried to destroy that path.
God must give Satan permission to tempt us. Satan is not allowed to do this on his own. God allows this to see how strong our faith is and if we will still choose to trust and follow him. Unlike the Old Testament, we are not directly ordered a test of faith like Abraham was; however, there are still ways we can be tested and tempted. It is especially easy these days given the world's view of priorities and what is important. Imagine if we were not gripped by our stuff or big homes and we could simply go out and live??
For a good few weeks, Satan was winning the game. I felt lost, I questioned everything- not just my faith, but also career, money, status, relationships current and past, family, and everything else about me. Then I was given a chance to get away from everything, go to my peaceful spot and just be alone with myself, God, my thoughts, His word, and the natural beauty created. I didn’t think I had been given clarity or that God was giving me a direct path to follow simply because it didn’t come in MY TIME TABLE…yet another time I get to say, “Yep, it was HIS time AGAIN…I should learn this by now!” However, it did come quickly after, and I took back control from Satan and delivered my letters to the post office and sent them in.
The things Satan was trying to tell me about myself and circumstances were all ploys to get me deterred from Gods greatness and blessings. Satan doesn’t want us to be happy and he certainly doesn’t want us getting closer to God and spreading his love and word to others! Where Satan went wrong is that instead of giving up, I dug my heals in (those who know me know I do this well and can do it often), I didn’t give up the fight. I sought answers, dove into Gods word more, and searched for peace and freedom. What I realized was all the prayers I have been asking God to help me with had been given to me. I just wasn’t looking at it in the way. I have had to give up some people in my life, ones that had filled numerous roles and voids. But as I become more complete, I can find joy in many people and activities instead of one. I am more complete, my relationships are greater, and I am less dependent on any particular relationship yet entirely more grateful.
I have learned through the years what anxiety is and what it feels like. Jan 6, 2010 was the night I couldn’t sleep because I thought my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I got in to see the doctor the next day and he said “welcome to what anxiety feels like.” I suppose I am lucky that I made it 29 years before ever experiencing that feeling. And where I used to need medication in addition to prayers to tame it back down, I now just need God.
Anxiety has stricken me hard the past few weeks and it is a matter of the mind, will, and crying out to Jesus to help me through it. The mind and will isn’t enough without the prayers. I can now literally take ten minutes of solid prayer and worship to God and get my heart to stop racing and the thoughts to subside.
My point is that you can too. You have to let go of the fears and grab on with the blind trust and faith and know that our creator is just waiting for you to let go of the rock, hill, mountain, or whatever struggle you have in front of you and just trust that He will catch you, bless you, and not let you fall. FAITH > FEAR
