Today I don’t want to go on the world race. There- I said it. Chances are that you’re thinking, “Who the heck does she think she is talking like that?” Does she realize who might read this?”
With all the respect in the world, my answer to that question would be, “I’m a human, just like you.”
This blog is for two kinds of people:
1. First off-future racers take note and if you get nothing from this blog, get this: the time between training camp and launch is freaking hard. Get ready.
2.Everyone else, who like me, thought that missionaries were some glorified form of Christians.
My view of missionaries changed when I became one. For all of you that see the word missionary and automatically think, “superman/superwoman” let me say something, the only thing that is super in me is Jesus Christ. Myself and all these other racers are people too; people who have bad days, who have doubts, who question, who struggle, and who fall short.
Has your heart ever been ripped out of your chest? I surely hope not, and chances are if you’re reading this, yours hasn’t. But I’m sure at one point or another you have felt like your heart was being pulled in opposite directions. Well that’s what my heart feels like now, during this time period between meeting my World Race family and being present with my family that I have had for the past 21 years.
There have been days when I have cried at the thought of saying goodbye to those I love. Then there are other days that I cry because I miss my 48-member family of B Squad. There are some days when I’m ready to fight hell with a water pistol and others when I am almost crippled with fear. My emotions run the gamete.
Beyond my emotions, the enemy has also been present in some ways I never saw coming. He has placed doubts, fears, insecurities, and relationship struggles along the way. You know the worst part about all those things? I allowed the enemy to put them there. I put down my shield of faith, and allowed the enemy to trickle in little by little until before I knew it, the trickle turned into an overwhelming flood.
Right now I don’t know all the reasons why I feel this way, and why these things are happening, but what I do know is that God is using EVERY SECOND OF IT to strengthen me and prepare me for what I cannot see. I also know that what I cant see is eternal, what I cant see is beautiful, what I cant see is worth every second of all that I am feeling during this season in my journey with the Lord.
So today, I don’t want to go on the world race. But in 44 days I will head to Atlanta and leave my family in America and join my family of B squad again. While today that’s not what I want, that is the only decision that gives me peace. That peace comes from being in the center of the will of God. And more importantly than anything I want on this earth, my desire is to be inside of His will. No matter how I feel, no matter how much it hurts, His will is the best place for me to be. It is there that I glorify him and allow him to accomplish in and through me what can only be done by him.
I write this blog as a fervent prayer and I hope that you will faithfully join me in praying.
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”
-1 John 5:14
Pray for the days like today, where I don’t want to go on the world race.
Pray for tomorrow, the days where I cant wait to go on the race.
Pray for me to be present-now and once I am in 11 different countries.
Pray for me to end well with family and friends.
Pray for me to start well with my new family of B squad.
Pray for me to continually acknowledge that the Lord is my only constant.
Pray for unity among my team and my squad.
Pray for the peace of God to surpass any emotions of our human hearts.
Pray for the people that will experience the love of Jesus throughout this next year.
Pray for my family to seek the Lord as their place of peace.
Pray for my future husband to trust the Lord and seek his face in all that he does.
Thank you supporters, friends, and future racers for listening to the cries of my heart. I pray these words penetrate your heart and help you along your journey too.
Stop, right now and thank God for bad days-because it’s in the midst of them that we recognize that He is our prize and He is our constant. And finally, go with Him to the hard places, even when your heart screams no.
