I’m not sure on the whole concept of things and I don’t know why God chose me, it’s still pretty hard to believe and understand. There have been times, okay I admit it a lot of times, where I struggled with my relationship with God. “Why me, why me, why me?” I would pray to the Lord “why do I have to go, send someone else, someone more suited for this job, not me”. All I wanted was to go to college, get my degree, get a job, and have an amazing family. God apparently didn’t want that for me at the moment. He wanted something more from me. I felt the call to go, I just didn’t want to act on it. I wanted it on my time and only my time. I wanted something more from God, but I didn’t want to put the work into it.
Being a missionary means little to no wages, relying on God alone, putting your life at risk, watching people die from starvation, living in less than lovable situations, and loving those you don’t want to love. Who wants to go, who would want to be this. Who wants to live like this? Who wants to give up their comforts of home, the commodities, and most importantly their privacy? I don’t know about you, but this seems like a pretty sucky job. I don’t understand doesn’t God say in Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Hope and a future, no harm. That’s not what I’m going to have to go through. It seems like the exact opposite. How do I have hope in a dark place? Where is my future? I don’t understand Gods plan for me and why it involves this.
Don’t get me wrong or anything I love making people laugh and smile, it’s a specialty, but why can’t I do that from home, why do I have to travel halfway across the world to do this. Send someone else, not me. I hate that people are dying because of unclean water, malnourishment, terrorism, and government control or that fact that they’re living in poverty and they will never be able to change that. I’m not qualified enough to change this, or even make a dent in these problems. Someone else will do something about this just not me. I am not ready.
This past summer I was in Oregon and the Pastor of the church was talking about if you tell God to send you and you mean it, he will send you and you better be ready. I got home after that week and I told God to “send me, take me now, I want to be a part of your kingdom”. A week later I was signing up for a nine-month mission trip to unknown countries that could possibly destroy my world as I know it. At that moment, I realized then that I am that someone else. I am more than qualified to be the hands and feet of Christ. I am enough. Christ didn’t die for me to say “not now God, send someone else”. He died for me and to be that someone else that changes things. To go out into the world and to proclaim His name.
In the Bible, we seem to forget there’s a whole chapter or a whole book and we shouldn’t just look at the small part of a verse although it is good to go through verse by verse. We just seem to forget the whole big picture. Jeremiah then goes on to say
12 “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
I have found the hardships that we go through. Although we go through these periods of “banishment’s” God is by our side and he is the one that is leading us out of it. We will have hope and a future once we rely on God and call on him. Having a candle in a dark place really does help apparently. This was what I was struggling with, relying on God to carry me out. To have faith that He is there and is not going to leave me. To know that my future is in Him and in Him alone. Because of this I was also having trouble figuring out what God wanted for my life, what he want me to become.
Missionary is now something completely different. Missionary, to me no longer sounds like someone else, the word missionary now means me, and I am so grateful for that. It doesn’t sound gross or helpless. It doesn’t sound needy or pitiful. The word missionary has power now and that power is in me. I have spent the last two summers on mission trips to the amazing country of Guatemala and I am amazed and awestruck at that country. Each time God has challenged me with new experiences. I have been tested more time than not and been on whit’s end not knowing why this is happening to me, but I know that without those test I would not be the same person as who I am today. So who am I today? I am a missionary that is willing to do anything for my God.
I’ve learned that I am forgiven, I am chosen, and I am the child of the True King. I’ve learned to not doubt but to trust God completely. That God has mercy on me even though I am not perfect and I am disgraceful. He has loved me even though I am shameful and I am wretched. Every day I ask, “How could someone like God love me so completely and so wonderfully”. I don’t deserve this, but He gives it to me anyways without me even asking and God has mercy on me.
So again I ask “why me, why send me” and still my response is “I don’t know”. I don’t know why God chose me over the next. I do know that I am not afraid to be who he called me to be. I am not afraid to listen to him or to follow him. I am terrified and that’s what the exciting part is. I am terrified to know what God has called me to be. I am terrified because I don’t want to go through the hardships that I know are to come. But I am also grateful to know that God has a plan and I am grateful for the hardships that He has already put me through to shape the person I am today. I don’t know what He has in store for me on this journey, but it won’t be anything less than glorious. So I take up my heavy cross and go on not knowing what mountains or what valleys are up next. I am ready to go so I ask the Lord send me and make me part of the impossible and He has. He has given me the light that I need and so now I can say I am a missionary.
