“But What If $#!t Hits The Fan?!”

Within the last two years–730 days to be exact–I have been on the mission field for over 400 of those days, and have another 70 days ahead of me.  I can’t believe I’ve been away from home that long and I can’t believe I’m halfway done with squad leading.  

I’ve had another 3 months to add to the time of my life and have experienced such fulfillment in answering Papa’s call.  

I came to build His kingdom and invest into the souls of my peers; to disciple others and turn them to God, to help them love and see themselves as God sees them.  And I’ve done just that.

But I am halfway…which means I am halfway finished.

I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer — I’m still living in the present and soaking in every last deep conversation, snuggle sesh, bear hug, belly-aching laugh, vulnerable sob fest, and random adventure I can with my squad.  But halfway does mean my time here with them is almost up.

I have to start working myself out of a job.

Now coming onto the field again, I knew all of this was about them and nothing to do with me.  I had my Race, I had my good time, and now I am to help steward their experience.  Yet that small voice in my head keeps squealing, “But what about meeeee?”

You see, my heart knows I am here for them, it knows for what purpose I was called to be here.  But my flesh craves to be needed, wanted, and appreciated…And this job requires me to make myself “un-needable.”  

*insert long, deep sigh followed by an unsettled groan here*

This makes my flesh die inside and scream the whole way down to its proverbial grave.  How can someone whose entire core revolves around being needed make themselves expendable?!

My whole life I’ve been labeled as a natural Mama Bear and love people hard and well.  I’ve loved having that spoken over me and being a part of my DNA, but man, it makes detachment so very unnatural. 

Part of my role is to form these deep connections, to form intimacy, to be that safe place — but then I have to start weening them off me and vice versa.

But what if  $#!t  hits the fan?  What if someone gets hurt?  Or WORSE….they go to someone else before me with a problem?!  What if they don’t need me?!

Clearly this is something I need to keep working on, and I am — I promise! — But my flesh is weak.

I’ve been aware of my heart’s chronic condition in depending more on the words of people way more than I depend on my God’s truth.  I’ve been harshly honest in my prayers about where my heart stands and what it desires; yet He is so good and He loves me anyways.  And I’m learning, slowly but surely, that my connection with Jesus is the one I never have to detach from.