Something HUGE happened last night (drum roll please).
I bought my flight home.
Ok, that was extremely anti-climatic, but it’s a big deal to me.
I’ve done my best to be as present as I can on the race–I haven’t looked up open job positions, grad school programs, places to move, or even put too much thought into my first meal at home (pork roast with green beans, Mac N’ Cheese, and fruit salad, please, Mom). And in totally honesty, I’m probably avoiding the future as much as possible just because I don’t want to face the reality of the race ending.
BUT, the race is ending and it’s coming sooner than I realize. Hitting the “confirm purchase” button has flooded me with so many emotions, all which were unexpected.
I’m excited to see my bed and couch, but sad to leave my world of hostels and homestays. I’m mourning the loss of adventure and change, but rejoicing in consistency and familiarity. I’m so ready to hug my loved ones at home, but I don’t want to let go of my squadmates.
Exactly two months from today, my feet will finally be back on American soil and I’m sure I’ll be experiencing much more than mere culture shock or a Chic-Fil-A craving. The Lord knows me well and for a couple months now He has been preparing me for the return home, telling me to begin praying now. And in my prayers many fears have awoken–So here I am, reaching out to my community to ask for your prayers as I anticipate home.
Friends and family: Please don’t interpret this as a “I Don’t Want to Come Home” blog, it’s not true. This has been a life-changing experience in every sense of the word. The trajectory of my life has completely been altered the moment I said yes to the World Race and faced the Lord every single day for 11 months. Because of this, I am a changed woman who is being vulnerable to her community about where she is at so I can love others well and be loved in return. (Open communication is the best communication, right?!)
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in the last 9 months is the power of vulnerability. And I find myself anxious in even writing this blog, let alone actually publishing it. But I will not give into the fear. I want my loved ones here on the race with me and those at home to know where I’m at; I want to create a space where truth can be spoken over all these lies.
Well, in my desire to be open and honest–and I’m a list person–so in the simplest way I know how, I’m going to just list the fears floating around my head. Pray for me, pray for my squad, and pray for all of our loved ones as we prepare for the journey home.
I’m afraid of….
Losing all the friendships I’ve made on the race
Being forgotten or temporary in people’s lives
Falling back into old patterns and habits once I get home
Losing touch with those I’ve befriended in each country
Not journaling/praying each day
Relationships with my friends at home being forever different
Relationships with my family being different
Forgetting the little things
Forgetting the little moments with big lessons
Falling back in love with materialism
Forgetting the people, sights, sounds I’ve experienced
Not seeking adventure or taking risks
Life at home being boring
Not having a strong community
Ignore the need to process and distracting myself with comforts
Not knowing what to do with this experience
Not knowing what to do next
I’m afraid the Lord will have me return to the field as a squad leader after being comfortable again at home.
Finding joy in things of this world
Seeking affirmation in people–in men–and not the Lord
Being rejected because of how I’ve changed
No one understanding
Not being able to explain all that has happened
Answering the beginning questions in the “Returning Home from the World Race: Questions Everyone Will Ask You” starter-kit pack over and over again
Feeling alone
Missing Asia
Missing the traveler’s life
Adjusting to American food again (all my traveler’s know what I mean!)
Pursuing people and things over the Lord
Losing my newfound confidence and finding new insecurity
Being emotional
Being a burden
Thank you all for your prayers, support, and love over these last 9 months. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to grow from an insecure girl of this world to the confident woman of God I am today. I wouldn’t have been able to hug little children, dance with locals, befriend women, pray for those I encounter, make new friends, make new memories, and so much more. Thank you for supporting my dream and pushing me towards a life pursuing the Lord. Because of you, my life has been changed and I am forever grateful. Love you all.
