Just in case you ever visit India, here are a few tips to keep you alive as you traverse the various roadways.
1. Before even getting inside, you must pimp out whatever vehicle you are driving. Hang tinsel off of the roof, change all the running lights to flashing LED colors, and add some (a lot of) flair to the paint job.
2. Turn up the radio and blast your megaphone speakers. All surrounding areas should know your excellent taste in autotuned music. Barbie Girl is also a popular song to play if you want to look especially “in the know”.
3. Get an interesting-sounding horn and backup signal. “Honk� will not do. Perhaps Canon D or Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star would be more in line with today’s trends.
4. Make sure your horn works. That is the way you will communicate with all other drivers and pedestrians. Even if they are a ways away, you should let them know that you are coming. You should be especially careful to honk if they are right next to you, that way, they will sense their impending death.
5. Check your brakes. You will need them as pedestrians cross your path and other cars screech to a halt in front of you.
6. Keep your windows rolled up so the rare, rage-filled driver cannot punch you in the head.
7. Keep an eye out for pedestrians. Pedestrians, the slowest participant of the Indian road system, cannot be predicted for there are no crosswalks. They must walk, with arms stretched towards you in a silent plea for mercy, to get to the other side of the road.
8. Traffic lanes. They don’t exist. Just use whatever space you are given by other traffic after honking your horn. You must learn to maneuver your speeding car within inches of other vehicles.
9. Keep an eye on the road. If you are out in the country the potholes will increase tenfold and you must be at the top of your game to speed around them carefully.
10. Keep a newspaper on the dashboard. Your windshield wipers may not work so you will have to clean the glass manually.
11. Attach bars to the outside of the vehicle. In case you don’t have enough room inside for extra passengers, they can grab on and travel with you on the roof or side of the vehicle.
12. Keep your high beams on at night. Other drivers don’t need to see pedestrians or bicycles, they only need to avoid your shining beacon of speed.
13. The last and most important step. Have no fear. You are the master of the road, all other participants in this deadly game will yield to you.
Nighttime driving
Noe hanging on for dear life to the outside of our Mahindra
