Written December 10th, 2011
In Christ there is freedom. We have been set free from the sin that once so easily entangled us, trapped us in a world of bondage. We are free. In my head I know this; I understand this however I don’t feel free. I’m trapped by my own fear even though I am called to be fearless because fear is not of God. There are still parts of me that are trapped, held back.
Part of this experience is not only bringing Christ to people but also having them bring Christ to you; stepping outside of our comfort zone to be able to experience God in new and different ways. I have witnessed, countless times, people who are so poor and yet have so much joy and hope because they know Christ. They might not know where their next meal comes from and yet they are okay about that. They might have experienced so much abuse in their little innocent lives and yet they smile constantly and express a love and joy I never thought they would have. Many of them don’t think about what they look like but are grateful for the clothes on their backs and the bed that they sleep in. I have witnessed the transformation of freedom even within my own squad mates; the freedom to do something different like speak out, preach, sing, and dance, a new thought process.
I struggle many times to find my freedom in Christ; constantly reminded of the person I once was, what I did. It is difficult to believe I am truly forgiven; that I am beautiful even though I rarely hear those words uttered by anyone who wasn’t a boy of my past, to know I have words of life and encouragement even though I feel many times I am not heard or people don’t understand what I am saying and take it the wrong way. I struggle to believe that I have value or importance many times; to think that my presence makes an impact to people around me. I am beginning to realize though the lies Satan uses to trap us from the freedom we have in Christ.
The other day, I was driving in a car with some other squad mates. The conversation of purity rings came up and I thought to myself that I really kind of wanted one. I thought though that I don’t deserve one because I don’t have that anymore. I am tainted by the ways of this world, no longer pure. It hurt me to realize that I had broken promises not only to myself but to God. Then another thought entered my head. I am pure! I am cleansed! I am no longer who I was then. I am no longer that girl who finds her value in men! I am a child of God! I am forgiven! I am washed clean! And, I deserve a purity ring because I am pure!
This then led to another realization that God has been laying on my heart for over a year now; baptism. I was baptized in 5th grade when I accepted Christ but as I got older my life turned astray from what I was taught. I became wrapped up in the things of this world and finding my place in this world instead of with God. That led me down a sinful path in which I am no longer a part of. That is not me anymore and nor will it ever be. Baptism is a physical representation of a spiritual transformation. It is washing away the old, sinful past and revealing a beautiful pure being. And so, I have chosen to being finding my freedom in here, being baptized again.
I don’t know exactly what my freedom will look like or what things are blocking my path to freedom except for the fact that I was simply allowing my identity to be of things of my past and not moving from them. Not believing I was forgiven and not forgiving myself for what I’ve done without Christ. So, here’s to the beginning of freedom!
Are you free?
