When I started this journey I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I thought that I would get a real taste for what long term overseas missions looks like. I thought I would be roughing it every single month. I came into this trip with so many assumptions and ideas as to what I would get out of it, and well, the truth is that it has been nothing like what I expected. I looked at the number eleven and thought that meant it was a long term trip, but in reality if you look at the whole thing “eleven countries in eleven months,” you see that it is eleven months of short-term missions. We’ve been to seven countries so far with only a month to do what we’re going to do, and I honestly don’t think it is enough time. I don’t think we’ve had enough time in any of the countries.
When we enter a new country it takes a few days to get rolling. We meet all new faces, sometimes have a total different ministry, sometimes have the same ministry, but done in a different way, sometimes the ministries aren’t very healthy, sometimes we aren’t in a good place as a team or as an individual. There are so many factors that go into every single month. We spend the first few days getting acclimated, the next few weeks going through the motions of the schedule, and the last few days preparing to leave the country and move to the next. Sometimes we don’t want to go. Sometimes the people and the country really tug on our hearts. Sometimes we see a dire need for something to change, but we can’t make that change with just a month. Sometimes we form relationships that we aren’t ready to give up. Sometimes we see the potential of the people, and knowing that we could help, whether we love the country or not we have a hard time turning away and leaving in the end. Sometimes we wonder why this trip is structured as it is because sometimes it’s just too hard. Though in all of these “sometimes thoughts,” we always know that God is good and that He is working.
The ministry part of this trip has been such a struggle for me since about month two. It’s my first mission trip and upon leaving a healthy environment where I was being challenged every day I now had to really walk with God on my own, in a sense. Not only did I have to become very aware of my personal growth, but I had to become aware of my team’s growth and the ministry’s health. And I had to start genuinely caring about all these things because it’s what the Lord called me to do. I had to be ok with trusting people I didn’t necessarily want to trust. Man, it felt like so much weight! And if I’m being completely transparent, I began to find things with the organization, with my squad, and with myself that I didn’t like or necessarily agree with. My race became really hard after that. Instead of being surrounded by people with the same views, I was now with 54 people that don’t share all the same doctrinal beliefs as me.
This is life. There will always be opposition. It’s inevitable.
I would frequently find myself wondering on and off if this trip was really worth it. Is this worth fighting through all the different doctrinal beliefs? Is this worth leaving my job and almost starting over when I get back? Is this worth leaving my family? Is this worth leaving my growing church? Is this worth all the stress? Is this worth all the exhaustion? For months I have truly struggled with these questions. Am I being a good steward of God’s money that was given to me by choosing this trip? This was one of the big ones I struggled with.
Is this trip worth all the questions that have risen in me?
In all of the uncertainty I know one thing is sure-God is with me. And because I know He is with me, I know that I am growing. Questions demand answers, and the more questions I had, the more I sought out God. All of these questions made me want to throw in the towel, but God has shown me that I shouldn’t run just because I’m questioning something. I shouldn’t run because I don’t necessarily agree in all things, in all areas with all of the people around me. Where’s the growth in that?
This trip hasn’t been anything like I thought it would be…in the least bit. I do believe, however, that this trip has been exactly what God intended.
Hardships and all.
God used all of these questions to push me into His word more. I wanted to know His thoughts on everything. I wanted to know if the way we were doing things was lining up with His way. Are we being good witnesses? Are we really seeking His heart in all areas? Are we bringing Him the glory and honor He so rightly deserves? Am I doing the things I’m doing in a way that is pleasing to the Lord? Is my life really for Him? These questions were becoming heavy on my heart. I was getting deeper and deeper into the word because of these questions. It became overwhelming.
I began thinking about the thousands of decisions we make every day and wondering how many of those decisions do I make with His glory in my mind. I began wanting to give Him every ounce in me, but I found myself disappointed because I know that I can never give Him as much as I want to give Him because I am broken. My heart began to actually break because I was becoming aware of how unworthy I am before Him, but through Christ I am seen as worthy. I am alert to my sinfulness. My heart mourns when I recollect my many sins every day. God is waking me up to His righteousness. And though I find myself in a state of mourning I also find joy in the many aspects of God’s character that He has been revealing to me. He is a jealous God. He is a just God. He is a forgiving God. He is a loving God. He is a zealous God.
And man, is He everything…
