Most of my life I’ve felt the need (or maybe it was more of a want) to get out of America. I just wanted to see the world. Big plans for someone who has only been out of the state less than a handful of times. All of those having travelled by car. Not so much world seeing for a twenty-two year old. Yeah, so a lot of firsts for this girl. Lots. With a lot of first times come a lot of feels, a lot of thought, and I wanted to share some of what I’ve been feeling through this experience so far.
Up until we landed in South Africa I was completely at peace about this next year, but when we touched the ground that peace shattered. I had officially stepped into the unknown, the uncomfortable, and I was not enjoying it at all. I can’t even begin to explain to you all the thoughts in my head starting from the twelve hour waiting period before getting on our bus to the fourteen hour bus ride form J-burg to East London, but I will attempt.
Our fourteen hour bus ride was probably the most challenging thing for me so far. I was exhausted from all the plane travel and running on less than eight hours of sleep in three days. I was easily at the end of myself, but hadn’t really thought I was at the time. I ended up sitting with a stranger, which I had sort of predicted would happen, but she was nice. I wasn’t next to my team, so I had a ton of time to think and not talk. I tried to read a book instead of taking the time to process my feelings, but I ended up making myself sick (takes talent to read in a moving vehicle) within five pages, so I put some earbuds in and listened to some chill worship.
After an hour or so on the bus I couldn’t avoid thinking about my feelings anymore. Thoughts like the following flooded my mind:
Can I really handle being away from home for a year? Did the Lord really call me to this? I can’t do this. I can’t do life away from home for an entire year. I can’t move from month to month. Why did I sign up for this? I should’ve turned around and gone home in Chicago. I can’t help these people that I will cross paths with. I can’t trust the Lord with my life for eleven months.
Nothing about my relationship with the Lord, or these girls, nothing about God’s people that He sent us to reach, nothing about South Africa, nothing seemed beautiful anymore. I was just digging a hole with my thoughts and pulling the dirt back over me. I had already lost this vision of missions work that He had instilled in me since I was a very little girl. Last week I had fully trusted Him with my life, but within a week I threw that trust away because I was uncomfortable.
Now, before you judge me for being so weak and having such little faith within a week of feeling on top of the world, do a little self-examination because it happens to everyone, even to you.
Immediately upon getting off of our bus and grabbing our stuff we were greeted by our hosts with a big smile. Instantly, the beauty of it all had returned. It was honestly like seeing an old friend when we introduced ourselves because I could feel their love for the Lord, and it was incredibly uplifting and encouraging. My spirit was renewed because these people are God’s people just as much as my people back in the states are God’s people, and I can find my home wherever He is. He is here. God is helping me see His people the way He sees them, to love them as He does.
The lesson God is teaching me this week is this: When we function solely by our own self, our own hearing, our own seeing, our own feeling, our own serving, our own loving we miss the beauty of it all. We miss out on the work that Christ started and meant for us to continue because we fail. We come to the end of ourselves very fast. When we function out of a place of complete dependence on the Lord we don’t miss a thing. It is a fight against Satan to keep that dependence, but complete dependence on the Lord is the only way that ministry succeeds.
