What am I doing? I feel like I’m going to go crazy right now. Thoughts racing around in my head, thinking hurts, my chest hurts…… I know so much, now what do I do with it? I have learned so much this week; I have learned I am victorious through the Lamb that was slain, I am a warrior, I have been called into worship and He has gifted me with the tools to defeat the enemy, my eyes are being opened to see the plans of the enemy and his attempts to deceive us. Resurrection is in my veins and death has no place in me. So much amazing insight, victory and freedom… being dragged down by every sin and struggle I have seen exposed in my life this week.
Fear of rejection, need for affirmation, loneliness, pride and the nagging words of death I speak over myself swirl around my consciousness. I feel like the Lord has exposed parts of my heart that I never knew existed and I don’t know what to do about it. I see myself broken and torn apart, seeing pain and wounds and festering sin long ago buried, thought to never surface again. It’s so much easier to numb oneself to pain, though rejection hurts even more when you expect it. Funny thing is, it happens MORE when you are looking for it. But what is the other option? Being vulnerable? Letting other people into your heart? Exposing yourself to love, to hurt, to correction. Reaching out of your comfort zone. One of the teachers at the Awakening this week said: “You never know true love until you know true pain.” But where do I go from here? How do I change the way I live my life?
These are all of the thoughts racing through my head right now. My eyes are stuck on myself, I can’t look away from the supreme importance of my own struggles. I can’t stray away from what is most important: ME and MY pain. I can’t see anyone around me, I can’t see that I’m NOT the only one feeling lost and alone. I can’t see that I’m NOT the only one being attacked by the enemy when I’m at the peak of victory and rejoicing. I can’t see the struggles that my sister is having with feeling unimportant, the frustrations and failure that guilt my sister and the victory that my brother is walking in seems ordinary or just plain ridiculous in comparison with what I’m dealing with. God expects me to step out of my selfish desires and be the one to reach out to others instead of expecting others to reach out to me? I think not.
WAKE UP SHAWNDELL!!!!!!
Open your eyes to see God working in you and in those around you. Open your eyes to see the calling God has placed upon your life, to the pain of your brothers and sisters. Your calling is to mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice, cry with those who cry and sing with those who sing. But you can’t do this on your own strength, open your eyes to see that you are not alone. Today I was prophecied by over Sarah from N-Squad: “God is fighting for you. Things look really yucky and messy right now, but He is fighting for you right now. You are His bride, He loves you and He is fighting for you. I see a blanket around you, a blanket of love that He has wrapped you in. Victory is in your hands, He has given it to you. I see a dove over your head… You are circled in love and covered in grace.” Shawndell, open your eyes to the good that God has in store for you. You are not alone.
