I have really been struggling lately. I know this is where I need to be, the World Race, and that God wants me on it. I want to be on it! That may be part of the problem…
I think I am so focused on: “when I’m gone”…preparing for the race…what will happen later this year…and generally “just get me to the field!” because I yearn to be out there—that I can’t seem to be in the here and now. It seems to go so far as to affect my discipline (which I generally have a lack of in the first place) in my spiritual walk with God. I can’t focus and my patience is low. My failures at being diligent in prayer and fasting with my team, devotional time with my Lord, and doubts about God’s view of me in this circumstance seem to be piling up. Like a big pile of you know what.
My life right now revolves around the race. I want to be out there SO BAD it hurts, sometimes literally; almost like I want to crawl out of my skin!
Probably the biggest burden I have really been struggling with is faith that my support will come in. My trust in the provision of such a large amount of money is waning! I have sent out SO many letters, talked to a lot of churches, and spoken with many people. I do have about 19% in. But, at this rate I feel like I will never receive all the support I need. “Am I doing enough leg work?” I ask. It’s hard with working a full time job to spend time printing, folding, and labeling dozens of letters.
And the big fear is: what if I don’t raise all of the support I need. Will that mean I was wrong about God wanting me to do this? My heart will be broken into a million pieces if this is the case.
But, I have to trust in the promise that my Savior won’t leave me in the dust. I have to trust that he is not disappointedly looking down on me thinking I am just too much of a screw up for him to carry me through the valleys of life. Which is how I feel right now.
I read something today in James which struck a chord with me. I don’t know yet what I should be learning from it, but I would appreciate your thoughts on this subject of faith and patience:
“2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
4
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
6
But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” –James 1:2-8
