I'm kind of horrible with writing blogs on a consistant basis… I'm so sorry. I think I get overwhelmed with how much is going on that I don't know what to write about but I just need to consintrate on one thing and let you guys know I'm still alive and such. 🙂
Update:
I am not dizzy anymore! Thank the Lord! Every night I go to sleep I look up at the unmoving ceiling and thank God for what He taught me through that and for bringing back to stability.
I am now in El Salvador. It is freakin' beautiful here. There are three teams together this month- Kingdom Unleashed (my team), Team Pursuit, and Team Shekinah. I'm not going to lie when I first showed up, I complained. The boys are in our contacts house with a pool and the girls are all at a big house together. We have people making us food everyday. Most of our ministry has been going to church. I wasn't complaining about not having my American comforts but being "too blessed" this month. There are comforts that we are lacking but for the most part we are freakin blessed- who complains about that?! I had this idea that I had to be suffering in every sense of the word to learn from God or to be a "missionary". This isn't the case, as you probably know and I'm finally wrapping my head around it. I shouldn't complain about this good time because it is a blessing and because of it I'm able to see different facets of my heart to bring to God this month that I wouldn't have otherwise.
A day in the life of the World Race:
October 14th = We went to visit a hospital and pray for the patients there.
I walked into the hospital and was standing next to a crib with a baby sitting there just staring. His mom was sitting next to his crib just staring at me. The woman I was with asked if I could pray for them and the mom agreed. The moment I said "God,…" tears weld up within me, I got the ball in my thoat (you know, when you are trying to hold back a cry), and my words ceased. I just felt. I felt their pain and their worry.
Thankfully, I was with one other girl in my squad and she was able to pray out loud.
Then we walked to the next bed and there was this little boy who was so sick he was naked and his mom was basically laying in the bed with him. She was rubbing his arm trying to give him any comfort she had to offer. Again, I went to pray and no words but "God" would come out. All I could do was feel.
There was just so much heaviness laying on me through out the whole hospital. Going from bed to bed looking in the eyes of children and worried parents. We even went into a room specific for women who had lost their babies. It was so hard to see it all. It was so hard not to be able to pray then a verse popped in my head.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." –Romans 8:26
I didn't need to pray for them. They most likely wouldn't have understood my english anyway but they did understand the tears. Although, I felt I wasn't bringing them joy by crying infront of them, I know God was doing something. All I know is that they knew I came in the name of Jesus Christ and in that moment Christ wanted to show them He has pain when they have pain.
I know this was Christ because when I pray I am usually a tight fisted asking God to heal type prayer and this time I couldn't…with all that was in me all I could do was cry.
I did, do, and probably will struggle with seeing all the things I have seen and will see on the World Race. I see the brokeness and God is providing me with a soft heart towards it but with that comes questions. "How could you let them go through this? Why don't you change what is happening, now?" It's funny because we have such a narrow view of what is happening. I know that the hard times I've been through has only made me wiser and closer to God which is the best thing for me. Even though I was embarassed of my tears in the hospital, I know God used it for good. That's what He does, even if I don't see it.
I say I trust God but when I put what I say into action it is hard. It is hard to look in the eyes of a baby in pain and know God has more love for this helpless crying beautiful baby than I ever will. AND not only does He love that baby more than I do, He loves that baby well. I am only a learner of what true love looks like and He is the author of it.
God doesn't just show up when we call Him to. If you are His, He is right here. Don't look up or down or feel the need to close your eyes. He is here. He feels your pain. He wants you and He is good. I am being convinced of these truths daily.
Love you all! Write you again soon!
