Sickness.
I have spent so much time scared of it.
I have been dizzy for the past 5 or 6 days. You might say~ oh wahh shari try actually getting sick. My thoughts too but when you wake up at 3 or 330 every night to see the tent you lie in turning. Unending cycle of turning and you only get up to see you were unable to look up, look down, look to your sides, and close your eyes without your world moving around you, you may care a little. Well day two I was already tired and angry.
My squad and I went on this weekend retreat where we basically got to live in a crazy beautiful jungle with a movie room and hot chocolate. Not a hard life at all. I wanted to take advantage of this and spend time sitting on the dock (we were on a lake) and just read the bible and praise God.
God had other plans.
I could barely read my bible. *remember, I couldn’t look down. So I was trying to hold the bible to my face so my head wasn’t moving in anyway that made me feel out of control. Wasn’t happening. So I prayed~ “what truth do you want me to know today?”
He said~ “1 I am the healer no matter how long it takes. 2 I am the rest you can’t get anywhere else. 3 I am your God. 4 You are my daughter”
I actually was all~ neat, but give me a specific bible verse. So he said “Ezekiel 4:24”
Haha. Yeah that doesn’t exist. Ezekiel 4 ends on verse 17.
Aka He just wanted me to sit on those truths for a little while.
Well, we got back from our retreat and there was a squad meeting right after my team meeting and during our team meeting one of my teammates got real sick.
It broke me. I was sitting there listening to him vomit his guts out and so embarrassed I am complaining about being dizzy.
So I started praying for him and crying out of embarrassment. Thankfully we have more than three people on one team so people could help him and I had a few asking me what was going on.
I was so exhausted. I hadn’t slept through the night since I came on the world race and now I have 3 or 4 hours of sleep I’m working with. I feel so unsteady and incapable.
Funny, this wasn’t only me physically.
I didn’t want to break in front of my team. I didn’t want to not be in control of when the tears would stop. I didn’t want to not be encouraging or helpful so I didn’t talk…. a lot. even when I had things to say. I felt as if my rock, my foundation had been shaken. I felt like the relationship with Christ was unsteady and not the solidness I desire because of my doubts.
So whatever had happened during the squad meeting I missed because I went straight from there to walk to the soccer fields to pray. My knees fell into the soggy grass and I punched the ground repeatedly. I cussed. A lot. I was so angry with the physical of me and my teammate. I wanted so badly to scream to the sky or bow my head or close my eyes. (me)”why are you making me look straight ahead when all I want to do is concentrate on you?!” (God) “I’m right here.”
I don’t know how much time had past when I finally gave up and said “FINE, what now?!” …. God said “remember those truths?”
I knew that night I didn’t need to take any medicine I was given because he was my healer. I knew I was probably not going to sleep that night because He was my rest. I was in the room where we keep all our valuables and let it all out. I didn’t understand why I was even on the world race when I felt so enable to give. I didn’t think I had anything to give through my strengths because I didn’t know what they were…….I got to the point where I just asked, “what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? I’ll do it. Just tell me.”
And he gave me rest. I was able to sleep for the first time because my heart was where he wanted it.
I thought I was done.
I’m dizzy as I type this but it’s less.
This morning I found myself trying to do a bible study but was just sitting in anger. I had woken up at 3 this morning. I wanted to start being productive with this time so prayed over my squadmates to have rest like they never have before but later I found out that my team leader was really sick and so were two other people on my squad.
I’m sitting on the side walk staring and a teammate comes and we end up doing a bible study together. A bible study that ended up showing me that sickness doesn’t matter. It changed me.
It re-centered me to where my heart used to stand. There is a reason for everything and it is my joy to suffer for Christ’s name sake. I didn’t think of me suffering for anything because I didn’t see the point but look…
I am slowly getting rebuilt~this foundation that isn’t crumbling but I’m walking on it as if it is….i’m learning to walk normal again. With conviction. With confidence.
I am learning what it is to be a daughter of God and not just a fearful servant. It is good to have respect for God but He loves with so much affection and without end.
I used to fear complaining or questioning verbally or telling others of my deep weaknesses. But like Habakkak or David in psalms where they question and are upset at times- so genuine, so honest with God…God uses that and is able to show His faithfulness and turns our worries into thankfulness.
I don’t know if any of that made sense. I haven’t slept in awhile. It’s 130 in the morning and I’m laying on concrete. (solid ground, coincidence? I think not)
BUT I wanted to let you know that the physical sometimes is used by God to reveal some truth. Some truth you may not have listened to or really learned otherwise.
