Can we talk about the time between Training Camp and Launch? Because it’s no joke, y’all. I’d heard that the time between deciding to do the World Race & Launch is a crazy time full of struggles and spiritual attacks, but it’s for real guys. So here are some of my current struggles, some are connected, some have no glue but my heart.
1. Some days I don’t want to go. Yes, I said it. Some days I cannot think of leaving my family, my friends, and the most amazing co-workers that I could ever wish for. Some days, I just don’t want to leave my warm house, my trusty car, and all the smells of home. I just don’t. Does that mean that I’ve changed my mind & am not going? Umm, that would be a loud & resounding NO! But some days I’m more scare, selfish, and unsure than others. That does not change my resolve. That does not change the face that Daddy told me to go. So I’ll fight the flesh when it shows its ugly face & go.
2. I’m so afraid that people won’t miss me or notice I’m gone. Now, this doesn’t apply as much to family and close friends, but I worry about this. Will my nephews forget me? Will people from church even notice I’m gone (whether or not they do is pretty much my fault). Will family form bonds that I won’t be a part of or understand when I get back?
3. How much of an impact am I making where I’m at? I’m really feeling this one. It kind of echoes #2. I feel like I’m not making a difference in anybody’s life. Am I encouraging and building up the people around me? Am I building relationships. I really feel like a complete failure in this department. For so many years, I’ve had a security blanket or two that have helped me through awkward social situations. My blankets have been total bosses of all things social. I admire and aspire to that. I long to love on people the way they do.
4. My planner side is totally freaking out when I get the question: So what will you be doing next year? Ok, so I didn’t think I was quite as much of a planner as I am. Every time I get that question, I mostly talk about the humanitarian side of things- which is great & we will be doing some of that. But I have NO idea what our months will look like. Part of me is like, “it’s all good, we’ll figure it out when we get there.” The other side of me is like, “but how can I get excited or even mentally prepare for what we’ll be doing?” Well, I can’t. I can’t mentally prepare or walk through situations so that I won’t completely freak out when I get asked to do _______. God knows what’s going to happen. God will work it out. God will be glorified ESPECIALLY in my weaknesses. He will be stronger.
5. I am a complete emotional basket case. For real. I never thought I was a super emotional girl. I mean, I cry at some weddings. But really, for being a girl, I just don’t like to cry or be overly emotional in front of people. It makes me feel weak. But guys, I am constantly on the verge of tears. Tears of grief over what I’ll be missing in the next year. Tears of joy when I remember just who I am. Tears that I can’t even explain. But y’all, I feel so safe to cry at church. NEVER thought that would happen, but yea, I basically bawl during worship time these days. But it’s such a beautiful time.
6. I am totally freaking out about money. Yes, I brought that up. No, this isn’t a ploy to guilt y’all into donating. (But if you want to, I’m not going to stop you). I am freaking out that I haven’t saved as much as I’d planned. I’m freaking out that I didn’t do enough fundraisers. I’m freaking out that nobody will show up to my Fundraising Dinner (12/14 5-8PM at Awake Church in Winston-Salem- PLEASE COME!). I’m hearing all these lies from the devil saying that nobody knows me well enough at church to come. Or that people don’t like me enough to support me. And that I’m going to buy all this food & it’s going to go to waste. And the most powerful one (because it has truth to it): I don’t know how to do fundraisers and I’m totally going to fail.
But despite all this, Jesus is bigger.
Yes, I am weak, but He is strong.
It doesn’t matter that I’m a complete mess. He’s got it all together. If He can create the universe and everything in it, He can handle my tears.
I don’t have to be good at fundraisers or asking people to give. He’s owns all the money in world. He created it. He is in control. I could completely fail & He’d still be able to make this trip happen. He called me, He will work it out.
So that’s where I’ve been the past few weeks. I didn’t write this to generate pity or whatever, I just wanted to be honest. So many of y’all have been generous to pray and give & I am accountable to God & you. I want you to know where my heart is, even if it’s not always pretty.
