I feel that we all have at least one thing that we are confident that God has gifted us with. That one thing for me has always been my ability to use my voice to bring God’s words to those around me. What do you do when you lose that one gift?… You have a serious identity crisis. That is exactly what has happened to me.
As mentioned in my previous blog, my lungs and throat have been having some serious issues for the last month. Which led to my inability to talk to the extent healthy people can talk. I could certainly speak, but my voice was very weak and shaky, it would be scattered with coughs and hacks and sometimes the beautiful sounds of wheezing, gasping, gagging and then even throwing up fighting for air. To say this hasn’t been “fun” is an understatement. The whole breathing concept is pretty essential to… well… life… and I’ve really been struggling with that this month. When you can’t breathe properly you really don’t feel like using the energy to talk much let alone sing. So I really cut back on those things in Mozambique. I went the entire month speaking much less than I normally do and basically not singing out loud during worship. If you know me… this is not like me at ALL. I’m quite a talker and although my singing voice is absolutely terrible, I am normally always down to belt it out for the Lord.
Aside from the physical aspect of losing my voice, there was something very serious going on in the spiritual aspect of losing my voice as well. Another thing you would know if you really knew me would be that I am a pretty confident person. I don’t let insecurities get the best of me very often. But as I was physically unable to use my voice, I was also feeling spiritually mute as well. I just didn’t have words to speak. I am known by those around me as a woman of words, a voice of truth, someone who isn’t afraid to speak and speak boldly… But something happened to me this month where I just felt silenced. Insecurities crept in from the most unsuspected angles and I felt I had lost my identity and had no clue where to find it. All sorts of lies flooded my mind. I heard things in my mind like “you have nothing of importance to say”, “you don’t have a place here”, “you have nothing to offer those around you”, “you are not desired”. It was a pretty dark and painful place to be. A place that I’m still trying to find my way out of…
